Major changes 

The mass majority of the puppies will be gone soon, and with them soon to be heading to their furever home I have began to make some major decisions lately. My newest partner started to question my future, and I was kind of embarrassed to say that I didnt have much of a plan. So I have been considering what I want to do with my future.

I used to have lots of plans for my future, but after marrying Nick a lot of them changed. He has PTSD and I am his caregiver so I have in essence put a lot of things on hold for him. When I was working at a chiropractors office it was incredibly difficult, because he would constantly want me home. It was the same when I took a job at the jewelry repair store for less hours. Now he has gone back to work, and things seem to be looking more stable.

As of right now I have an expired massage license. I let it lapse since we don’t have the money to pay for it right now. I need 200.00 to get it renewed as well as 150 for my malpractice insurance. I have also been super lack on getting the required credits for my CE’s.

So I have decided that I’m going to go back to school in August for a Bachelor’s degree in Psycology. Im half way towards completing my Associate’s degree. I have decided the first stipend that I receive will go toward reneeding my license as well as doing a few CE’s.

Going back to scool will also prolong when I have to start paying back my student loans, which as you can already conclude I can’t afford to pay right now.

My Weekend

This weekend is filled up with so many things. First being that me and my husband are celebrating our two year anniversary of being together, second it’s me and Gruff’s second monthiversary, and last it’s also Father’s day today. So all of the things…

So we decided to drive up to North Carolina for a Rascal Flats concert and stay the night in a really nice hotel… not that I can sleep… my brain is simply too wired right now. I actually am tired and did pass out for about an hour… now it’s basically just not happening. So while I’m waiting for the pool to open. I figured I would bust out a post.

On the car ride up I ended up having to speak to Gruff. Recently he has been talking down to me and treating me as if I were his submissive. This is especially occuring when his submissive is present. If you know me you will know this is not acceptable at all. I know that this weekend is hard for him though due to his own personal reasons… so I’m trying to be lenient with him.

With that being said it can not continue. I feel that we are going to have to sit down and really talk about his submission to me, and how he should treat me. Especially when we are in the company of his submissive as well as in public. I feel the first step step beyond talking is to have him reference me as Sir more….

Next, my husband suffers from PTSD and has a decent amount of various triggers as I have previously stated in my blog. Well on the car road up here he was triggered by a box in the road, and again at the concert when a child started to crowd him. During both events he tried to hide the trigger from me, which upset and fluttered me.

I am his care giver and have been for the last 2 years and some change now. So I know basically instantly when he is triggered. So I don’t understand him trying to hide it and make it worse.

We ended up having to leave early from the concert, which I was honestly completely okay with. It ended up being an outdoor venue, and u simply wasn’t prepared for it.

4 A.M and still on the clock

Currently sitting on the floor in the bathroom because my partner is having kidney stone issues again, and I have him soaking in the tub. I’m so exhausted, but I’m sitting here so that he doesn’t fall a sleep in the tub. The reason why I’m worried is, because he has narcolepsy so he tend to fall a sleep very easily.

While, I am sitting here I can’t help but wonder if he understands what I put aside for him on a daily basis…like sleep lol

Simply can not win for losing

I usually always leave a light on when I am going to bed, because my partner tends to wait til the last possible moment to do his nightly routine before bed. I don’t really have an issue with this except my partner constantly bitches at me for leaving on whatever light I don’t turn off. I’ve explain to him I leave it on for him.

Well tonight before bed I proceeded to turn off all of the lights keeping in mind there are still Christmas lights lite up and strung throughout the house right now. Well he was upstairs adjusting the temperature, and proceed to bitch at me for turning off all of the lights…

I mention that he always grumps at me for leaving them on… and he proceeds to scold me and tell me the difference. At this point I simply tune him out.

Apparently I can’t win for losing so I guess I will just continue to leave the light on and get grumped at….

Frustrations

I find it extremely frustrating when I am trying to take time for me, and he doesn’t take care of himself. Recently, he got his daith pierced in hopes that it would help relieve his migrains. Doing so I believe has actually had a dramatic improvement on his health. He actually has had far less migrains then he was orginally experiencing…but he doesn’t take care of it at all. I’m constantly reminding him to clean it and soak it.

I literally just had to wake him up take his ecig from his mouth make him let me clean his ear, put on his cpap mask, and put him back into the bed…

This isnt the only time by far… most of the stories are similar like when he got his most recent tattoo I had to constantly remind him to clean it and put lotion on it.

Reminding him to take his medicine is a daily occurrence as well. 

Sometimes he can’t remember if he has taken his medicine or not. I got him a box, but he just stopped using it… He likes certain routines and doesn’t like them messed with.

I have to constantly question if this is part of the PTSD or is he just being lazy? The sad part is I feel so lost and alone, because I can’t answer those questions.

We have been members of the Wounded Warriors Project now for a year, and I have gone to two different caregiver functions which are meant to get you away from your veteran and for you to socialize. The problem though is that most of the caregivers attend are woman, and typically aren’t interested in getting to know me due to my appearance.

I’d really love to go on a caregiver retreat, but it would have to be at the same time he goes on a veteran retreat. I couldn’t just leave him home for a week without me.

Who and what am I…?

12239918_10153747281759443_2635632062915857508_nI am Snow

My story is ever changing to the point I can’t always answer who and what I am. I can though tell you that I identify as a pansexual genderfluid demiboy. I’m married to amazing man that is a veteran that struggles with PTSD and memory issues, and as his partner I am also his care giver. A job title that doesn’t get paid vacation or sick leave, but one that is still vastly rewarding.

My path is that of a Christo-Pagan. I have never met anyone else that follows the same path as me, but I pray that one day that I do.

I  myself also suffer from PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and body dysphoria. With that being said I tend to put my health on the back burner a lot. Recently one of my family reminded me that I can’t help anyone if I don’t help myself first. So I am starting this blog as a therapeutic way for me to sort my thoughts.