It’s been at least since the 21st of December since I was last in contact with my PCM or her nurse. I had scheduled the appointment probably a month before that.  I was told that I didn’t need to come in for the appointment that I had scheduled for that day to sort out starting HRT. They cited that due to the policy I needed my psychologist to write me a letter and send it to them. This is not part of the new policy that began in October, but alright if that’s all I can handle that.

Later, that same day I had an appointment with my psychologist, so he sent them the letter Thursday and talked to apparently the nurse fill in. Alright, cool I figured I would hear something soon. Well, Monday I started calling and could not get through til Wednesday once again, and was told that my PCM wouldn’t be back til Friday. Okay, its the holidays I can wait a little longer.

Well, there goes Friday… Then Monday again… Oops Wednesday….  WTF Friday…Now we are on the following Monday which is today. I called the appointment line all day so that I could get through to find out what was going on. I couldn’t get through again a shocking surprise. Well, I got a friend of mine that goes to a different PCM in the same clinic to give me his nurses direct contact number since I knew he had it.

His nurse reached mine and had her call me. I found out the nurse I thought was my PCM’s nurse was just filling in. There was no record at all of me even talking to anyone about HRT on my file whatsoever. So she had to track down the nurse I was talking with to find out what was going on. So when she called me back, she basically told me that the policy stated that I needed to be seen by my psychologist for a minimum of 3 months.

Beyond the fact of me knowing that is dead wrong. I have been to 10 appointments with my psychologist, so Wednesday makes 11 and next week makes 12 oh look 3 months… but she told me to call back in February and try again. I was so fucking vivid and still am. My best friend sees a PCM at the same clinic with the same policy so unless his PCM just decided to say fuck the system and do whatever they wanted which I doubt it. I’m going to assume that my PCM is transphobic and doesn’t want me to transition.

She helped me a lot when I needed to get a breast reduction. She knew that I was trans the entire time. She knew that I wanted to eventually get top surgery and to start HRT. I just don’t understand if she thought that maybe once I got my surgery that I would just be content? Maybe it was just a phase? Fuck if I know, but I am so done. I’m not going to wait until February.

I am currently filling out paperwork to just pay out of pocket for the Dr. of my choosing. It will cost me 100.00 to start and everything else will be covered by Tricare. I don’t really care to do that since Tricare should cover everything, but I’m tired of jumping through hoops only to get covered in red tape and told just wait a little longer.

I know that I should fight them because someone else might be going through the same thing but honestly, I don’t know that it would even help. I’m going to have my husband file some form of a complaint. I guess I will probably also be changing over my PCM because I will not have a doctor that is not supportive of me. Especially one that has done everything possible to halt my journey.


No one would choose to be hated for being who they are

I adore Chris Crocker so much even though he is gay not trans I feel that his words really have an incredible impact on me. I also grew up in a very religious family who doesn’t know that I’m transmasculine. They don’t know that I am even pansexual though I’m sure they gossip. There are days where I really wonder if I should just lie and tell everyone that I was wrong, going through a phase, or whatever. Then, I sit down and watch his videos, and they make me; stronger, braver, and give me the courage to continue on.

I want to share my transition

Within the next couple months, I will begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I have decided that I want to share my journey with the community. I have been doing a lot of research, and that in and of itself was an adventure. I found that the information was not as readily obtainable as you would think it should be in the digital world that we live within.

Within the transgender community, there is also a great divide that should not be there. Though, exist it does, and it’s between those that pass and those that don’t pass enough. Then within those two divides, there are those that prefer to be as natural as possible and those that prefer surgeries, therefore, creating another gap within the community. Usually, the ones that prefer operations feel that is the “only acceptable.” way to be considered “truly transgender.” I have found that those that prefer to be as natural as possible tend to flex what transgender means.

Of course as someone that is newly trans and just beginning my transition, this is all extremely toxic and not helpful at all. I don’t need to be told that because I’m pre-t that I’m not trans or even trans enough. All that does it push people that aren’t as strong as me away, and this is not a time that we should be isolating each other.

This is why I have made the decision to be completely open and honest about my transition.

What is it about being born into a gender that mentally you don’t feel comfortable with?

Message that I received today, “I’m curious as to what is it about being born into a gender that mentally you don’t feel comfortable with. I know I won’t understand much of it but I have been looking into it, and having thoughts/experiences of others does help me get somewhat of a concept. I recently did a paper of gender roles and it sparked more of an interest for me.”

I guess it’s a little bit like if you were born without legs. So your whole life you see virtually everyone around you walking around, taking their limbs for granted while you struggle on by in a chair. Sure, some places accommodate you but when it comes to something like getting a job or dating, you’re going to be perpetually turned down just because you ain’t got no legs. Oh but some people have a fetish for you. But they call you a Wheeley because that’s the name they hear in porn. They don’t understand that it offends you because more often than not, a person’s only ‘experience’ with a disabled person is from pornos. And they’re not intelligent enough to comprehend that porn is hyper-reality.

Unfortunately, no amount of money or surgery can actually make you like everyone else. You can get prosthetic (if you have the thousands of bucks to spend) but you won’t be able to feel them or actually use them for walking, so sometimes when you look at them you just feel bitterness and self-pity.

People stare. People don’t know what to say to you. Some people ask probing questions about your chair. You wish people were curious about your person and not your taboo. But at this point you know most people identify you as the legless person. And people are curious how you make use of your genitals so sometimes they ask. Some parents will defensively clutch their child as they pass you on the street. Some people think you chopped your own legs off because of some perverted philia. Some people think you’re somehow faking it for attention. Some people call you a freak. Others a monster. Some people think it’s disgusting you get your own handicap stall in the bathroom and they think back to a time in which public restrooms didn’t accommodate a wheelchaired person. You make them uncomfortable. So they decide to ban you from such places.

Some people are really repulsed and enraged by your lack of legs. Sometimes they beat you up. Sometimes they kill you. They claim you chose that life; you chose not to have legs. They don’t have the capacity to understand you never asked for any of this. And this is how things are for you. This is how things have always been for you. You just have to figure out how to make your life work as best you can. You’re stuck to figure out how to be happy and successful when you’re trailing six feet behind everyone else, having to try twice as hard to get the same results they do.

Another comparison would be if you were born male as you are but without male genitalia. Just, like, Ken doll smooth crotch. So using the restroom, socializing, dating and sex are all weirdly complicated for you. Not only because you’re a bit unconventional but also because of the massive social expectations for you to simply have predictable genitalia.

Hopefully, that might help you sorta understand. At the end of the day, anything extreme a person has no experience in is generally just inconceivable. But good on you for trying. Oh, and biological sex is what you’re born as gender is self-identity. So it’s actually being “born into a sex that mentally you don’t feel comfortable with.”