Maelstrom

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My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.

 

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Triggering the Triggers

Tonight, my anxiety is terribly high. I am in the process of attempting to sit down and write out my triggers which funny as it sounds is a trigger in an of itself for me. My former Master at the end of our relationship when it turned abusive used my triggers against me as a way to have power over me. A lot of the end of our relationship is a blur to me, and my memory is very fragmented because of this. My memory is fragmented because of the constant state of trigger that I was in my mind is not completely sure what was real and what was not. My former Master was my second abusive relationship immediately following a three-year abusive marriage. It was during both of these relationships that I was gaslighted, but the worst was during the latter relationship. So since then I try desperately not to talk about my past or my triggers unless I am triggered.

I know that this is not a healthy way to cope with my triggers, though. I also know that the family that I have created needs to know my triggers just as much as I need to know theirs. I still can not halt the anxiety or the rising panic. I can not help the fight or flee instinct that is currently kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong I have come to terms with speaking of my survival story of my abusive husband, though I rarely if ever mention the story of my abusive relationship with my previous Master.  I don’t do this not because I am ashamed. I don’t do this to lie about it. I do this because I’m terrified of it happening again.

This Christmas marks seven years as being a survivor of my abusive marriage, but only three years as of February to mark being a survivor of my abusive M/s relationship and engagement to my former Master.

 10 Warning Signs you are being gaslighted.


 

Major changes 

The mass majority of the puppies will be gone soon, and with them soon to be heading to their furever home I have began to make some major decisions lately. My newest partner started to question my future, and I was kind of embarrassed to say that I didnt have much of a plan. So I have been considering what I want to do with my future.

I used to have lots of plans for my future, but after marrying Nick a lot of them changed. He has PTSD and I am his caregiver so I have in essence put a lot of things on hold for him. When I was working at a chiropractors office it was incredibly difficult, because he would constantly want me home. It was the same when I took a job at the jewelry repair store for less hours. Now he has gone back to work, and things seem to be looking more stable.

As of right now I have an expired massage license. I let it lapse since we don’t have the money to pay for it right now. I need 200.00 to get it renewed as well as 150 for my malpractice insurance. I have also been super lack on getting the required credits for my CE’s.

So I have decided that I’m going to go back to school in August for a Bachelor’s degree in Psycology. Im half way towards completing my Associate’s degree. I have decided the first stipend that I receive will go toward reneeding my license as well as doing a few CE’s.

Going back to scool will also prolong when I have to start paying back my student loans, which as you can already conclude I can’t afford to pay right now.

Frustration

Recently, someone I thought was my best friend and girlfriend moved out of our home in a very hasty manner. In the process she left the upstairs in shambles, and her cat peed on massive amounts of laundry. So without even getting onto the topic of how this has emotionally effected me for the last 3 days now I have been busting my ass trying so hard to get the upstairs clean for my submissive and his girlfriend as well as the rest of the house. This has turned into what I feel like is an uphill battle that I am losing. I want everyone in the house to help me, and even though I have started to gain some help the amount is still so little. I was really counting on Gruff to help me the most today, but he hasn’t even woken up yet. His submissive has tried at least twice to wake him to no avail, and though I’m sure I could wake him I don’t want to. I’m not here to micromanage and be a parent. We are all adults here, but yet with him and the rest I just feel like I’m constantly making sure everyone is doing what they are suppose to.

I guess I’m just getting burnt out… I had my surgery at the end of April, and at first I actually had a lot of help. Now though I’m starting to really get to the point where I can take care of the house and Nick again, but I spend so much time taking care of the them that I was hoping just once that I wouldn’t have to take care of yet another person. I guess that I was wrong again…

Short Vent

I feel like the only thing that I ever do is clean. Last week I spent the whole week cleaning every single day, and the house looked fantastic… this week I slacked off to see if anyone would jump in and help me. Not only has no one jumped in to help. No one even bothers to do anything that I ask them nicely to do. I don’t really want to bitch and complain. I don’t want to vent or rage. I don’t want to ask them repeatedly I just want everyone to be a freaking adult. Maybe my brain is different, but when I am surrounded by filth my thought is this needs to be cleaned…. maybe other people don’t process that thought process I don’t know.

My Weekend

This weekend is filled up with so many things. First being that me and my husband are celebrating our two year anniversary of being together, second it’s me and Gruff’s second monthiversary, and last it’s also Father’s day today. So all of the things…

So we decided to drive up to North Carolina for a Rascal Flats concert and stay the night in a really nice hotel… not that I can sleep… my brain is simply too wired right now. I actually am tired and did pass out for about an hour… now it’s basically just not happening. So while I’m waiting for the pool to open. I figured I would bust out a post.

On the car ride up I ended up having to speak to Gruff. Recently he has been talking down to me and treating me as if I were his submissive. This is especially occuring when his submissive is present. If you know me you will know this is not acceptable at all. I know that this weekend is hard for him though due to his own personal reasons… so I’m trying to be lenient with him.

With that being said it can not continue. I feel that we are going to have to sit down and really talk about his submission to me, and how he should treat me. Especially when we are in the company of his submissive as well as in public. I feel the first step step beyond talking is to have him reference me as Sir more….

Next, my husband suffers from PTSD and has a decent amount of various triggers as I have previously stated in my blog. Well on the car road up here he was triggered by a box in the road, and again at the concert when a child started to crowd him. During both events he tried to hide the trigger from me, which upset and fluttered me.

I am his care giver and have been for the last 2 years and some change now. So I know basically instantly when he is triggered. So I don’t understand him trying to hide it and make it worse.

We ended up having to leave early from the concert, which I was honestly completely okay with. It ended up being an outdoor venue, and u simply wasn’t prepared for it.

My Belief System

My story is a story of struggle, as I wrestled with issues of God and my own place in the world as a spiritual being, and this struggle have proven to be one of my greatest struggle. I was born and raised a Christian which is what I still am in part. Though, in my journey to find myself and my own path I have become much more than a simple Christian. For years I did not know what exactly my religion is or was. I struggled with my faith for years in a fairly mental abusive Christian extremist home, and many have ask, “How I made it through with my faith”. My response to that is very simply, “How would I have made it through without my faith?”

It’ll probably be a shock to many to hear I grew up in the church and spent my pre-kindergarten through 7th grade school years in a Christian school. It would probably also be less of a shock to learn that I got my first kiss that summer, saw the first penis that was not related to me, learned what smegma was to my horror, and I stumbled into the lifestyle. Well anyways after that summer my 8th grade year I begged and pleaded to go to public school, and I got my wish granted. I promptly went from a straight A student to a practically a straight F student the only class I was passing for the better part of the year was History. This was literally the biggest culture shock I have ever experienced in my life. Before this I loved Science, which yes we had in Christian school. I was not prepared for Earth Science though, because a lot of it fell back into evolution which haha I didn’t know “surprise!”

The reason I have given you this knowledge though is, because it was during my high school year that everything changed. I still went to church, but my parents no longer did. They had become so much of extremist that they were beyond the church, and the church had nothing left to offer them. This was also the point I suffered the most mental abuse and degradation in my life even though it has never really stopped.

It was also in high school that since I excelled at History believe it or not I ended up in an AP Theology class. For those that may not know theology is the study of the nature of God and religious beliefs. This doesn’t mean just Christian though as almost every religion has some form of God(s) and or Goddess. So to continue since this was a college level class our year long assignment was a thesis on religion that we drew out of a hat. I was blessed to reach in and pull out Wicca thus beginning my lust for knowledge of other religions.

That paper sparked what became a breakdown of my beliefs. It was from there that I questioned not only my religion but all of them. My parents saw this spark as I began bringing home books about Wicca, witchcraft, and etc. They tried to go to school and even stop this, but since it was my choice in the end. I choose that I wanted to complete this assignment. This was the beginning of a lot of grief, and when I say that having my belief system questioned is a trigger for me it come from this. They were enraged that I would choose to study a religion outside of Christianity. They would constantly day in and day out punish me for it. I spent a lot of time that year trying staying away from them as much as possible. I still had to go home at the end of the day though, and it was never good.

At that point I knew I wasn’t just a Christian… I saw this every time I walk into a church or talk to my family. Every Christian that I know is not Christlike as all. Ranging from extremely judgmental to beyond close minded. This just isn’t me… I am a very solitary person, open minded, non-judgmental, and extremely loving most Christians I know I can’t even conceive of consider them loving. Most contemporary Christians are massively ignorant as to how the church got to where it is today and of how much current church practice is due simply to accumulated tradition, with little or no roots in Scripture I’m not very interested in Dogma or church politics at all though.

Towards the end of high school I began to consider myself a Christian with Wicca views, but that slowly changed into Trinitarian Christian or Christian Witch as I became and adult. Trinitarian is a path of American Wicca or Non-British Traditional Wicca that works exclusively with the Christian Pantheon. There are no church trappings or conflicts with the Bible, because they work directly with the Gods and Goddesses; church dogma does not have a place in their ritual structure. As for Christian Wicca, the term Christian is used as a modifier for the pantheon observed in this particular practice of Wicca, much like the concept of Celtic Wicca. They as Wiccan practitioners focused on a Goddess-inclusive Christian trinity. Christian Wicca was more descriptive, Trinitarian Wicca is far more accurate and far less controversial but it is hard to express the concepts of Trinitarian Wicca without using the term Christian in the definition.

In only the last few years I have began to consider myself more of a Christian Pagan or Christo-Pagan. Everything above this applies and beyond a basic Christian foundation, though, our beliefs vary just as much as our individual spiritual paths within our community.

“”Trinitarians are more like Grey Witches because initially Christianity was the Way, an off-shoot of Paganism that focused solely on the God in answer to Dianic Witchraft focusing solely on the Goddess, because Trinitarians combine the original teachings of the Way and the teachings of Christ, they sit between Dianic Witchraft (or Paganism in its “truest form”) and Christianity as humanity knows it today.

Thus, Trinitarians are more closely related to Grey Witches or Greywalkers in that they are a very reclusive, very secluded, very secretive Tradition and are often ostracized by the whole of Paganism and Christianity because they ride the coin that connects good and evil.””

Rindalyn_Kane

People find it strange that I’m into everything I am and still have the “gall “to call myself a Christian well I have something to say to that. There is a motto, “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good.” I agree, because there is a danger in spirituality that isolates. Next, Jesus said that believers may not be “of this world” but, they are certainly “in it.” Jesus, as spiritual as he was, did not separate himself from the secular world. Despite his Orthodox Jewishness (spirituality) he hung with non-Jews, with the dreaded Samaritans, with whores, with sell-out Jewish tax collectors, with radical zealot terrorists, with the diseased, impoverished and the very wealthy. He told stories to the masses that revolutionized the material and secular universe on hill tops (the mass media of the day). It is a known fact that Jesus’ worst enemies were the self righteous G-rated do-gooders of his time. He spent little time with them. So why should I do anything different then himself? The traditional model of how we “do church” is very wrong to me and it’s strangling Christ’s Body. I know I am outspoken but it’s who I am. I also don’t claim to be the best Christian in the world but I try to follow what God has planned for me.

“”I believe in Jesus”” -Bettie Page


If you are interested in learning more about my duel religious beliefs here is a few places that may help.

Books:

Christian Wicca: The Trinitarian Tradition
The Path of a Christian Witch
ChristoPaganism: An Inclusive Path
Pagan Christianity
Reimagining Church: Pursuing the Dream of Organic Christianity