Maelstrom

Guillermo-del-toro-confirms-pacific-rim-maelstrom-not-cancelled-1-
My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.

 

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Rocks on the path

Today seemed to be yet another day that has started off fairly rocky. For the mass majority of the morning, he seemingly is just in an overall grumpy mood, which took my overly fairly happy mood and flushed it down the drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he is experiencing any form of the drop to which the answer has been repeatedly no. He hasn’t told me any other reason that he would be in a grumpy mood so I am unsure what is wrong.

For myself, I have been experiencing mild drop throughout the night and day due to a few complications. I had been trying to establish a scene for us for the past 3 nights, but it just didn’t seem to work out. We just keep seeming to butt heads. He has taken to constantly top from the bottom before, during, and after every single scene that we have had or tried to have. I have yet to figure out if this is due to not being able to submit to me, not trusting me enough, or what.

He is typically a very Dominant person, but he chose to be submissive to me. I am just wondering if he chose wrong, or if he simply isn’t submissive. I am just tiring of this constant power struggle that we seem to have. In the beginning, when I was sick he was always on bended knee to me, now though it seems that he wants to be my Dominant, which is not an option.

So at the end of the day, it’s leaving me feeling lost, confused, and unwanted. He tells me 500x a day that he loves me, but what exactly does that mean? Am I simply misreading everything, and just over thinking everything? Even though I am a Dominant it doesn’t mean that my mental stability isn’t fragile. I may have learned to build walls and guard myself, but to someone like him he has the keys to allow him to keep walking through each of those walls with ease.

 

Our new beginning

Gruff and I have finally started putting pen to paper figurately to begin working on our long overdue contract. Normally, when taking a new submissive I have a contract set up before we do anything else. Though, when he came in I was heading in for surgery, and then I had an unexpected long recovery. So we are actually just starting to really sit down and get everything figured out between the two of us.

Last night, was filled with so many mixed emotions. We ended up getting into an argument while we were working on our contract, and then later I broke down and told him that I felt like our relationship was fucked. He wanted to know if I thought that it was going to fail, and my response to him was that I simply didn’t know. I don’t want our relationship to fail, but I also know that it takes two people to make a relationship work. You need a good foundation built on honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Without even 1 of the 4, you don’t have a relationship at all.

If I can not trust him enough, to be honest with him then there is no point in continuing. If I can not trust what he tells me there is no point in continuing. If he is unfaithful there is no point in continuing. If we can not communicate there is no point in continuing. A lot of people get that so wrong, and they think that it will just work itself out in time. As the survivor of two abusive relationships, and plenty of other just bad relationship I know for a fact that it never works that way. You might have good intentions, but if your foundation isn’t strong nothing you build on it will be either.

With how our relationship began, though, and has moved so quickly. I fear that we ourselves do not currently have a strong enough foundation to build our relationship on. I’m not saying we built the foundation of our relationship on sand, but that I feel that there are many cracks and holes in it. I do not feel that it is doomed, though. I feel that it is not too late to go back through and fill in the holes and cracks. I feel that we need to talk about what a foundation is made of honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Then, we need to build on it.

The Sunset Rule

sunset

It is very uncommon for me to let any kind of argument or issue not to be resolved before bed. This is typically considered the sunset rule in many healthy relationships. It doesn’t mean the matter needs to be resolved before sunset just before bed. There is a two fold reason for this. First, off you really should never let anything fester that could potential plant seeds of negativity within your relationship. Second, having generalized anxiety disorder it is almost impossible for me to sleep with that kind of negativity on my mind. I will simply analyze it to death usually wondering what I did wrong and or what I can do to fix it.  Even though in most cases it isn’t even something that I can control at all, but that is simply how my brain works.

So with that being said when I am in a close personal relationship with someone that knows that I am upset does little to try to resolve the issues upsets me. It also deeply concerns me with where our relationship is heading. To be clear though I don’t want to try to talk to someone at the point where I know they are in bed. For me at that point I feel that it would be bothersome to them to bring it up. I personally would hate to be just about a sleep to now have to wake up and converse on an in depth level.