For the last year, I have been seriously considering changing my name, though at first, I didn’t even know what to change it to so I set out to look for names that fit me, and in my journey, I found many that didn’t fit even more than my own.
My first thought was to ask my Dad what name they would have named me if I had been born a boy. Of course, he didn’t have an answer for but. Though, when I asked him how he would feel if I ever changed my name, he said that he didn’t pick it, to start with. So I felt like that was his version of being okay with it even though if he knew who I was he wouldn’t accept me.
The next thing I questioned was who was my true self. What name would fit my true self? Not the me that tried so hard to be a girl, to fit in, to be good, and has continued to try not to arouse suspicion that I wasn’t who the mask displayed in fear of rejection. The person that was hidden within me. The person that cry’s to be accepted and rejoiced. The person that just wants to make friends.
So the next stop on my path was to talk to my partners and ask them what name they could see me with my husband decided to take up the mantle and begin the hunt with me. Before he could find one I found one, but I kept it to myself originally.
When I started my hunt, I decided that I wanted something that would keep my nickname Rae. Then, he told me one that he thought fit. The name was Raijin, the thunder god. His chose made me smile because the name I chose was Raidyn which is a variation of the same name. So without even having any context to go with he ended up choosing the same name that I did. I felt that was a good sign.
So with that in mind, I have decided to adopt the name Raidyn as my own. I decided to go with that spelling not only because of the uniqueness of it but because I felt that it would be easier to pronounce for those that don’t already know it.
It is pronounced Ray-den
So last night Mom was moved from Viber to MUSC for two reasons. The first one being the real hurricane that is threatening us, and they needed to move her off the coast. The second being that she hasn’t gotten any better. In truth, she has been getting worse. Her lungs are permanently damaged, and she will never be able to breathe on her own again. Not without a pretty great miracle at least. Dad isn’t doing great though I think he finally realizes that she realistically will not make it. I know that he is still praying for a miracle.
In truth, I hope that he gets his miracle, but I also worry what will happen if he doesn’t. He has talked about moving overseas if he loses mom… and I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel like if I lost one parent that I will end up losing both…
Though, on the other hand, there is the second hurricane the one within me because I know that if my parents knew who I truly was they would not accept me. The most they know is that I am kinky, but they don’t know anything else.
I honestly doubt they know that I’m pansexual or polyamorous. I serious doubt that they know that I am a demimale, which for those that don’t know means I’m a trans male. The only thing that holds me back is that I still flux to andro and do not feel wholly male though I do identify the most with my masculine side.
In part, I wish I had time to tell my mom and have enough time for her to get used to it. To have adequate time to have her understand potentially, but I know that time is a luxury that I don’t have. I also know that it would take her years to accept me if she ever does. Dad… I don’t think he would ever fully accept me as a demimale. Being pansexual and polyamorous would be something that he could potentially wrap his head around. The thought of me being an entirely different gender though? I don’t think he could ever actually understand or that he would even want to.
So therein lies the two hurricanes in my life right now. The one that is threatening us physically and the one that is my mind. I wish that I had answers to the questions that I have, but I know that this isn’t something that Google can help me with.
Do not lie to my face. Never tell me that what happened was just a figment of my imagination. Two before you already did that. So much so that I used to cut myself in order to know what was reality, and what was just inside my head.When you decided to date a survivor you put your ego on the shelf. When you asked one to marry you that ego should have been completely erased.
Instead you lie to my face and smile. All the wonder I’m doubting the reality around me. I can see the dark hands protruding from the walls. I can feel them slithering up to my neck to chock me. I fight back against the pain in my chest that is threatening to take hold. I instantly begin to replay the chain of events. All the while I’m dying inside you simply smile.
So when you say I love you after that it makes me want to spit which all but completely destroys me.
I am Snow
My story is ever changing to the point I can’t always answer who and what I am. I can though tell you that I identify as a pansexual genderfluid demiboy. I’m married to amazing man that is a veteran that struggles with PTSD and memory issues, and as his partner I am also his care giver. A job title that doesn’t get paid vacation or sick leave, but one that is still vastly rewarding.
My path is that of a Christo-Pagan. I have never met anyone else that follows the same path as me, but I pray that one day that I do.
I myself also suffer from PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and body dysphoria. With that being said I tend to put my health on the back burner a lot. Recently one of my family reminded me that I can’t help anyone if I don’t help myself first. So I am starting this blog as a therapeutic way for me to sort my thoughts.