My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.



Rocks on the path

Today seemed to be yet another day that has started off fairly rocky. For the mass majority of the morning, he seemingly is just in an overall grumpy mood, which took my overly fairly happy mood and flushed it down the drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he is experiencing any form of the drop to which the answer has been repeatedly no. He hasn’t told me any other reason that he would be in a grumpy mood so I am unsure what is wrong.

For myself, I have been experiencing mild drop throughout the night and day due to a few complications. I had been trying to establish a scene for us for the past 3 nights, but it just didn’t seem to work out. We just keep seeming to butt heads. He has taken to constantly top from the bottom before, during, and after every single scene that we have had or tried to have. I have yet to figure out if this is due to not being able to submit to me, not trusting me enough, or what.

He is typically a very Dominant person, but he chose to be submissive to me. I am just wondering if he chose wrong, or if he simply isn’t submissive. I am just tiring of this constant power struggle that we seem to have. In the beginning, when I was sick he was always on bended knee to me, now though it seems that he wants to be my Dominant, which is not an option.

So at the end of the day, it’s leaving me feeling lost, confused, and unwanted. He tells me 500x a day that he loves me, but what exactly does that mean? Am I simply misreading everything, and just over thinking everything? Even though I am a Dominant it doesn’t mean that my mental stability isn’t fragile. I may have learned to build walls and guard myself, but to someone like him he has the keys to allow him to keep walking through each of those walls with ease.


Our new beginning

Gruff and I have finally started putting pen to paper figurately to begin working on our long overdue contract. Normally, when taking a new submissive I have a contract set up before we do anything else. Though, when he came in I was heading in for surgery, and then I had an unexpected long recovery. So we are actually just starting to really sit down and get everything figured out between the two of us.

Last night, was filled with so many mixed emotions. We ended up getting into an argument while we were working on our contract, and then later I broke down and told him that I felt like our relationship was fucked. He wanted to know if I thought that it was going to fail, and my response to him was that I simply didn’t know. I don’t want our relationship to fail, but I also know that it takes two people to make a relationship work. You need a good foundation built on honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Without even 1 of the 4, you don’t have a relationship at all.

If I can not trust him enough, to be honest with him then there is no point in continuing. If I can not trust what he tells me there is no point in continuing. If he is unfaithful there is no point in continuing. If we can not communicate there is no point in continuing. A lot of people get that so wrong, and they think that it will just work itself out in time. As the survivor of two abusive relationships, and plenty of other just bad relationship I know for a fact that it never works that way. You might have good intentions, but if your foundation isn’t strong nothing you build on it will be either.

With how our relationship began, though, and has moved so quickly. I fear that we ourselves do not currently have a strong enough foundation to build our relationship on. I’m not saying we built the foundation of our relationship on sand, but that I feel that there are many cracks and holes in it. I do not feel that it is doomed, though. I feel that it is not too late to go back through and fill in the holes and cracks. I feel that we need to talk about what a foundation is made of honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Then, we need to build on it.

Stepping stones in this lifestyle


In life and in relationships there are stepping stones that take you to the next level. If you fear taking the first step though you will simply never progress past it. In this lifestyle you will find there are many stepping stones that will take you on an unlimited amount of paths if you chose to explore them. For now I will speak of the path of a male submissive.

When I look at another man and see him as a “submissive”, I see someone who voluntary gives control of himself to another. He may be kneeling before them, worshipping with his eyes. He may be tied to a wall, crying in pain as they applies the lash. He may be taking their places, opening doors for them, recommending the best dishes in a restaurant. In all of these cases, the focus is all about his Dominant and their needs.

That doesn’t make him powerless or insecure. Submissive men are as knights, on bended knee, ready to slay dragons for them. I can honestly say that what I like most about a male submissive is that they are comfortable in who they are, and in owning their inner strength. They are secure in their submissiveness.


Dominants and relationships                                                                                                                 What does that mean? To start with, the relationship is going to be a 2-way street. You’ll need to understand their wants, needs, and dreams and be ready to meet those even as they comes to understand you and take control through your desires.

The relationship
From here out, it’s like any other relationship — communication, honesty, flexibility, and patience are all keys to making it work. Except it’s also unlike any “vanilla” relationship in that you have to commit much more — more honesty and more vulnerability than all but the closest relationships.

I think that male submission is a powerful and loving way to be in a relationship. I love giving the best of my abilities to my submissive, of opening up and letting him stretch his limits. I love being strong for him, and of feeling new sensations and living through new experiences that excite us both. I also bring a strong spiritual and magickal orientation to my Dominance. It’s all to the same end — to set all I am, and all I can be, to another who revels in having their power given to me of their free will.

Side Note                                                                                                                                                         Their counterparts heterosexual cisgendered male Dominants look at a male sub as being a wimp, or a ‘less than manly’ thing. They feel jeopardized. I think it’s because men are often insecure, and seeing other men submitting to women or men makes them doubt that they can hold power over them. A lot of heterosexual cisgendered men feel that male submissives must be really, secretly gay….and homophobia is not uncommon even in the scene, and most heterosexual cisgendered male Dominants will avoid talking to them.

If you are incapable of standing up for yourself as a male submissive or a kneeling Dominant this isn’t the path for you.

I hope you will find what brings you joy, whether it be in a submissive relationship or not. You have been given the keys to this path, but it is your choice to unlock the door or walk away. Those are your only options though. You will not be permitted to stand forever at the door, and wonder what is on the other side.  Eventually my patience will wane and you will be turned away.