I want to share my transition

Within the next couple months, I will begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I have decided that I want to share my journey with the community. I have been doing a lot of research, and that in and of itself was an adventure. I found that the information was not as readily obtainable as you would think it should be in the digital world that we live within.

Within the transgender community, there is also a great divide that should not be there. Though, exist it does, and it’s between those that pass and those that don’t pass enough. Then within those two divides, there are those that prefer to be as natural as possible and those that prefer surgeries, therefore, creating another gap within the community. Usually, the ones that prefer operations feel that is the “only acceptable.” way to be considered “truly transgender.” I have found that those that prefer to be as natural as possible tend to flex what transgender means.

Of course as someone that is newly trans and just beginning my transition, this is all extremely toxic and not helpful at all. I don’t need to be told that because I’m pre-t that I’m not trans or even trans enough. All that does it push people that aren’t as strong as me away, and this is not a time that we should be isolating each other.

This is why I have made the decision to be completely open and honest about my transition.

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Two kinds of Hurricanes 

hurricane

So last night Mom was moved from Viber to MUSC for two reasons. The first one being the real hurricane that is threatening us, and they needed to move her off the coast. The second being that she hasn’t gotten any better. In truth, she has been getting worse. Her lungs are permanently damaged, and she will never be able to breathe on her own again. Not without a pretty great miracle at least. Dad isn’t doing great though I think he finally realizes that she realistically will not make it. I know that he is still praying for a miracle.

In truth, I hope that he gets his miracle, but I also worry what will happen if he doesn’t. He has talked about moving overseas if he loses mom… and I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel like if I lost one parent that I will end up losing both…

Though, on the other hand, there is the second hurricane the one within me because I know that if my parents knew who I truly was they would not accept me. The most they know is that I am kinky, but they don’t know anything else.

I honestly doubt they know that I’m pansexual or polyamorous. I serious doubt that they know that I am a demimale, which for those that don’t know means I’m a trans male. The only thing that holds me back is that I still flux to andro and do not feel wholly male though I do identify the most with my masculine side.

In part, I wish I had time to tell my mom and have enough time for her to get used to it. To have adequate time to have her understand potentially, but I know that time is a luxury that I don’t have. I also know that it would take her years to accept me if she ever does. Dad… I don’t think he would ever fully accept me as a demimale. Being pansexual and polyamorous would be something that he could potentially wrap his head around. The thought of me being an entirely different gender though? I don’t think he could ever actually understand or that he would even want to.

So therein lies the two hurricanes in my life right now. The one that is threatening us physically and the one that is my mind. I wish that I had answers to the questions that I have, but I know that this isn’t something that Google can help me with.

Maelstrom

Guillermo-del-toro-confirms-pacific-rim-maelstrom-not-cancelled-1-
My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.

 

Triggering the Triggers

Tonight, my anxiety is terribly high. I am in the process of attempting to sit down and write out my triggers which funny as it sounds is a trigger in an of itself for me. My former Master at the end of our relationship when it turned abusive used my triggers against me as a way to have power over me. A lot of the end of our relationship is a blur to me, and my memory is very fragmented because of this. My memory is fragmented because of the constant state of trigger that I was in my mind is not completely sure what was real and what was not. My former Master was my second abusive relationship immediately following a three-year abusive marriage. It was during both of these relationships that I was gaslighted, but the worst was during the latter relationship. So since then I try desperately not to talk about my past or my triggers unless I am triggered.

I know that this is not a healthy way to cope with my triggers, though. I also know that the family that I have created needs to know my triggers just as much as I need to know theirs. I still can not halt the anxiety or the rising panic. I can not help the fight or flee instinct that is currently kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong I have come to terms with speaking of my survival story of my abusive husband, though I rarely if ever mention the story of my abusive relationship with my previous Master.  I don’t do this not because I am ashamed. I don’t do this to lie about it. I do this because I’m terrified of it happening again.

This Christmas marks seven years as being a survivor of my abusive marriage, but only three years as of February to mark being a survivor of my abusive M/s relationship and engagement to my former Master.

 10 Warning Signs you are being gaslighted.


 

Rocks on the path

Today seemed to be yet another day that has started off fairly rocky. For the mass majority of the morning, he seemingly is just in an overall grumpy mood, which took my overly fairly happy mood and flushed it down the drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he is experiencing any form of the drop to which the answer has been repeatedly no. He hasn’t told me any other reason that he would be in a grumpy mood so I am unsure what is wrong.

For myself, I have been experiencing mild drop throughout the night and day due to a few complications. I had been trying to establish a scene for us for the past 3 nights, but it just didn’t seem to work out. We just keep seeming to butt heads. He has taken to constantly top from the bottom before, during, and after every single scene that we have had or tried to have. I have yet to figure out if this is due to not being able to submit to me, not trusting me enough, or what.

He is typically a very Dominant person, but he chose to be submissive to me. I am just wondering if he chose wrong, or if he simply isn’t submissive. I am just tiring of this constant power struggle that we seem to have. In the beginning, when I was sick he was always on bended knee to me, now though it seems that he wants to be my Dominant, which is not an option.

So at the end of the day, it’s leaving me feeling lost, confused, and unwanted. He tells me 500x a day that he loves me, but what exactly does that mean? Am I simply misreading everything, and just over thinking everything? Even though I am a Dominant it doesn’t mean that my mental stability isn’t fragile. I may have learned to build walls and guard myself, but to someone like him he has the keys to allow him to keep walking through each of those walls with ease.

 

Our new beginning

Gruff and I have finally started putting pen to paper figurately to begin working on our long overdue contract. Normally, when taking a new submissive I have a contract set up before we do anything else. Though, when he came in I was heading in for surgery, and then I had an unexpected long recovery. So we are actually just starting to really sit down and get everything figured out between the two of us.

Last night, was filled with so many mixed emotions. We ended up getting into an argument while we were working on our contract, and then later I broke down and told him that I felt like our relationship was fucked. He wanted to know if I thought that it was going to fail, and my response to him was that I simply didn’t know. I don’t want our relationship to fail, but I also know that it takes two people to make a relationship work. You need a good foundation built on honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Without even 1 of the 4, you don’t have a relationship at all.

If I can not trust him enough, to be honest with him then there is no point in continuing. If I can not trust what he tells me there is no point in continuing. If he is unfaithful there is no point in continuing. If we can not communicate there is no point in continuing. A lot of people get that so wrong, and they think that it will just work itself out in time. As the survivor of two abusive relationships, and plenty of other just bad relationship I know for a fact that it never works that way. You might have good intentions, but if your foundation isn’t strong nothing you build on it will be either.

With how our relationship began, though, and has moved so quickly. I fear that we ourselves do not currently have a strong enough foundation to build our relationship on. I’m not saying we built the foundation of our relationship on sand, but that I feel that there are many cracks and holes in it. I do not feel that it is doomed, though. I feel that it is not too late to go back through and fill in the holes and cracks. I feel that we need to talk about what a foundation is made of honesty, trust, loyalty, and communication. Then, we need to build on it.

My Weekend

This weekend is filled up with so many things. First being that me and my husband are celebrating our two year anniversary of being together, second it’s me and Gruff’s second monthiversary, and last it’s also Father’s day today. So all of the things…

So we decided to drive up to North Carolina for a Rascal Flats concert and stay the night in a really nice hotel… not that I can sleep… my brain is simply too wired right now. I actually am tired and did pass out for about an hour… now it’s basically just not happening. So while I’m waiting for the pool to open. I figured I would bust out a post.

On the car ride up I ended up having to speak to Gruff. Recently he has been talking down to me and treating me as if I were his submissive. This is especially occuring when his submissive is present. If you know me you will know this is not acceptable at all. I know that this weekend is hard for him though due to his own personal reasons… so I’m trying to be lenient with him.

With that being said it can not continue. I feel that we are going to have to sit down and really talk about his submission to me, and how he should treat me. Especially when we are in the company of his submissive as well as in public. I feel the first step step beyond talking is to have him reference me as Sir more….

Next, my husband suffers from PTSD and has a decent amount of various triggers as I have previously stated in my blog. Well on the car road up here he was triggered by a box in the road, and again at the concert when a child started to crowd him. During both events he tried to hide the trigger from me, which upset and fluttered me.

I am his care giver and have been for the last 2 years and some change now. So I know basically instantly when he is triggered. So I don’t understand him trying to hide it and make it worse.

We ended up having to leave early from the concert, which I was honestly completely okay with. It ended up being an outdoor venue, and u simply wasn’t prepared for it.