I hate that the morning sun is soon to rise, and all I can think about is how much I miss him. How much I wish he were the person that I actually came to love. That in and of itself is where the problem lies, though, “Can you actually miss a lie?” I found myself mentally going through snapshots of “us” but that “us” is just a lie. He was never the person that I thought he was. I honestly don’t know if anything he told was the truth at all. I’m sure there was a grain of truth for every ball of lies… though I can’t even be sure where the truth would have started, and the lies ended, or where the lies started, and the truth ended.
I am not editing this right now. I am just blurting it out. This is not a fictional story. It’s one piece of my story. One glimpse in on the abuse I suffered in this case from a man who was my Master. This is not for the faint of heart.
Trigger Warning: Mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Rape, and mind games.
As the world blurs around me. I hear his voice. It’s hot on my ear. My body goes numb, but it feels like I’m floating. When I open my eyes I realize I’m swimming with him. His body tangled into mine as we float. His words are soft and sweet at first. His touch gentle and sexual, but then his words grow dark.
He’s mad again. I said something wrong again. My body tenses as I try to pull away. This makes him more angry. He grabs my hair… he knows this is a trigger. I begin to flail and panic. He rips me back my body sinking under the water as I forget to swim. He wraps his hands in my hair keeping me under. I’m trying to fight the flash and him. I’m not a good swimming or fighter though. The water isn’t happy it begins to feel dark, but calming… like its trying to help. He screams out and releases me.
I manage to kick away and run, but he catches me on the Shore. We are completely alone. He grabs my hair again and knocks me down and is on top of me. His smile is wild and his eyes look mean. I feel him pressing against me and I cry. I know what he wants and I have no energy to fight him. He whispers, “I love you.” in my ear and I turn away the best I can. He growls it this time. I know if I don’t say it back whatever he plans won’t be pleasant. I didn’t care though.
I’d rather him kill me. I looked at him and whispered, “No you dont. This isnt love.” His eyes turn black as his fist raises up. It slams down a second later into the ground near my face. He’s careful not to mark me. He’s too smart for that. He begins screaming things like, “How can you say that?” “I do everything for you.” “How could you hurt me like this?” “How un grateful you are slave.” “No one else is going to take you” “Pathetic, worthless, good for nothing whore.” I’ve heard it all before. I close my tired eyes knowing what’s going to happen. He begins ripping off what little clothes I have….
I can’t breathe as he begins to caress my body. This is how it always starts. Soft and gentle… My body begins to react. I can’t stop it. He knows exactly how to play with me. I begin freely sobbing. There is no point to call colors, safeworss, or even say no. He’s ignored it before plus it makes him more angry. He begins telling me, “That he will prove he loves me.” “Look how your body is reacting whore” He slams his open palm down on my vagina. The pain screams through me, and instantly detaches. This is the way my body and mind try to protect me.
My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.
I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.
We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.
I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.
Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.
Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.
Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.
I am a survivor, a warrior some may say.
I lived through a hell many will never know.
I fought to escape a hell many will never see.
My scars are invisible to the naked eye though you see.
My scars litter places within my soul and heart.
My scars are thick and jagged you see.
My scars only the most honored will see.
A man he said he was, hurt me.
A fool and coward he was, say I.
For a man would never harm their hearts, true love.
A boy and the spider king he was, say I.
For he had captived me in his web of lies.
With webs piercing through my very soul
He held me in place while he tortured me.
The nights littered with my cries and pleas.
Til one night no more could I bare.
For my knife found my heart.
As my life force was pouring out of me
The threads of his web of lies I cut away.
I broke my bond to him and fled.
The spider king was not happy with me.
He tried with all his might to bring me back.
Lost to him was I.
A survivor, a warrior some may say
Did I become that night