Voices

The point where you realize that no matter what you do you are just going to continue to spiral. I am completely burnt out beyond the point of a quick recovery, and I’m beginning to doubt that I will ever even be allowed to recover at all. My anxiety started to eat at my what is left of my core. The night terrors have consumed my dreams to the point I don’t even want to close my eyes at night, but when I try to wake up, I can’t keep them open because I’m so exhausted. I don’t get restful sleep, because my dreams are filled with running, fighting, sobbing, blood, death, and more. I wish that they were simply figments of my imagination, but no sadly my dreams are real. A reality that of the past still haunts me tainting my present.

I’m so exhausted and tired that I have begun to have suicidal ideations. What if I don’t press my break? Maybe I shouldn’t turn. If I take these, I could sleep forever. It will only hurt for a moment. Just one little step forward. This isn’t a phase or a call for help it’s merely just a glimpse into my life because this isn’t something new to me. It may be that this could potentially be one of the more powerful pulls to the darkness that I have experienced though it isn’t the first or the last.

Doubting everything around me is completely normal you see. Listening to the voices tell me that no one cares. That I’m simply a means to an end and that I’m just a tool to be used and discarded. Some would probably tell me just not to listen because it’s not true. That would be where you are misguided though because it has never been wrong.  It was right while my ex-husband played games with my head making me believe that I was a freak, and it was right while my ex-Master used me as a tool. Time and time again it has never proven to be wrong. That is why it’s not just something that I can shut off or ignore. What if this time it is not wrong yet again?

Two kinds of Hurricanes 

hurricane

So last night Mom was moved from Viber to MUSC for two reasons. The first one being the real hurricane that is threatening us, and they needed to move her off the coast. The second being that she hasn’t gotten any better. In truth, she has been getting worse. Her lungs are permanently damaged, and she will never be able to breathe on her own again. Not without a pretty great miracle at least. Dad isn’t doing great though I think he finally realizes that she realistically will not make it. I know that he is still praying for a miracle.

In truth, I hope that he gets his miracle, but I also worry what will happen if he doesn’t. He has talked about moving overseas if he loses mom… and I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel like if I lost one parent that I will end up losing both…

Though, on the other hand, there is the second hurricane the one within me because I know that if my parents knew who I truly was they would not accept me. The most they know is that I am kinky, but they don’t know anything else.

I honestly doubt they know that I’m pansexual or polyamorous. I serious doubt that they know that I am a demimale, which for those that don’t know means I’m a trans male. The only thing that holds me back is that I still flux to andro and do not feel wholly male though I do identify the most with my masculine side.

In part, I wish I had time to tell my mom and have enough time for her to get used to it. To have adequate time to have her understand potentially, but I know that time is a luxury that I don’t have. I also know that it would take her years to accept me if she ever does. Dad… I don’t think he would ever fully accept me as a demimale. Being pansexual and polyamorous would be something that he could potentially wrap his head around. The thought of me being an entirely different gender though? I don’t think he could ever actually understand or that he would even want to.

So therein lies the two hurricanes in my life right now. The one that is threatening us physically and the one that is my mind. I wish that I had answers to the questions that I have, but I know that this isn’t something that Google can help me with.

Fractured reality of a fragile mind

Do not lie to my face. Never tell me that what happened was just a figment of my imagination. Two before you already did that. So much so that I used to cut myself in order to know what was reality, and what was just inside my head.When you decided to date a survivor you put your ego on the shelf. When you asked one to marry you that ego should have been completely erased. 

Instead you lie to my face and smile. All the wonder I’m doubting the reality around me. I can see the dark hands protruding from the walls. I can feel them slithering up to my neck to chock me. I fight back against the pain in my chest that is threatening to take hold. I instantly begin to replay the chain of events. All the while I’m dying inside you simply smile. 

So when you say I love you after that it makes me want to spit which all but completely destroys me. 

Maelstrom

Guillermo-del-toro-confirms-pacific-rim-maelstrom-not-cancelled-1-
My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.

 

Triggering the Triggers

Tonight, my anxiety is terribly high. I am in the process of attempting to sit down and write out my triggers which funny as it sounds is a trigger in an of itself for me. My former Master at the end of our relationship when it turned abusive used my triggers against me as a way to have power over me. A lot of the end of our relationship is a blur to me, and my memory is very fragmented because of this. My memory is fragmented because of the constant state of trigger that I was in my mind is not completely sure what was real and what was not. My former Master was my second abusive relationship immediately following a three-year abusive marriage. It was during both of these relationships that I was gaslighted, but the worst was during the latter relationship. So since then I try desperately not to talk about my past or my triggers unless I am triggered.

I know that this is not a healthy way to cope with my triggers, though. I also know that the family that I have created needs to know my triggers just as much as I need to know theirs. I still can not halt the anxiety or the rising panic. I can not help the fight or flee instinct that is currently kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong I have come to terms with speaking of my survival story of my abusive husband, though I rarely if ever mention the story of my abusive relationship with my previous Master.  I don’t do this not because I am ashamed. I don’t do this to lie about it. I do this because I’m terrified of it happening again.

This Christmas marks seven years as being a survivor of my abusive marriage, but only three years as of February to mark being a survivor of my abusive M/s relationship and engagement to my former Master.

 10 Warning Signs you are being gaslighted.


 

The Sunset Rule

sunset

It is very uncommon for me to let any kind of argument or issue not to be resolved before bed. This is typically considered the sunset rule in many healthy relationships. It doesn’t mean the matter needs to be resolved before sunset just before bed. There is a two fold reason for this. First, off you really should never let anything fester that could potential plant seeds of negativity within your relationship. Second, having generalized anxiety disorder it is almost impossible for me to sleep with that kind of negativity on my mind. I will simply analyze it to death usually wondering what I did wrong and or what I can do to fix it.  Even though in most cases it isn’t even something that I can control at all, but that is simply how my brain works.

So with that being said when I am in a close personal relationship with someone that knows that I am upset does little to try to resolve the issues upsets me. It also deeply concerns me with where our relationship is heading. To be clear though I don’t want to try to talk to someone at the point where I know they are in bed. For me at that point I feel that it would be bothersome to them to bring it up. I personally would hate to be just about a sleep to now have to wake up and converse on an in depth level.

My Belief System

My story is a story of struggle, as I wrestled with issues of God and my own place in the world as a spiritual being, and this struggle have proven to be one of my greatest struggle. I was born and raised a Christian which is what I still am in part. Though, in my journey to find myself and my own path I have become much more than a simple Christian. For years I did not know what exactly my religion is or was. I struggled with my faith for years in a fairly mental abusive Christian extremist home, and many have ask, “How I made it through with my faith”. My response to that is very simply, “How would I have made it through without my faith?”

It’ll probably be a shock to many to hear I grew up in the church and spent my pre-kindergarten through 7th grade school years in a Christian school. It would probably also be less of a shock to learn that I got my first kiss that summer, saw the first penis that was not related to me, learned what smegma was to my horror, and I stumbled into the lifestyle. Well anyways after that summer my 8th grade year I begged and pleaded to go to public school, and I got my wish granted. I promptly went from a straight A student to a practically a straight F student the only class I was passing for the better part of the year was History. This was literally the biggest culture shock I have ever experienced in my life. Before this I loved Science, which yes we had in Christian school. I was not prepared for Earth Science though, because a lot of it fell back into evolution which haha I didn’t know “surprise!”

The reason I have given you this knowledge though is, because it was during my high school year that everything changed. I still went to church, but my parents no longer did. They had become so much of extremist that they were beyond the church, and the church had nothing left to offer them. This was also the point I suffered the most mental abuse and degradation in my life even though it has never really stopped.

It was also in high school that since I excelled at History believe it or not I ended up in an AP Theology class. For those that may not know theology is the study of the nature of God and religious beliefs. This doesn’t mean just Christian though as almost every religion has some form of God(s) and or Goddess. So to continue since this was a college level class our year long assignment was a thesis on religion that we drew out of a hat. I was blessed to reach in and pull out Wicca thus beginning my lust for knowledge of other religions.

That paper sparked what became a breakdown of my beliefs. It was from there that I questioned not only my religion but all of them. My parents saw this spark as I began bringing home books about Wicca, witchcraft, and etc. They tried to go to school and even stop this, but since it was my choice in the end. I choose that I wanted to complete this assignment. This was the beginning of a lot of grief, and when I say that having my belief system questioned is a trigger for me it come from this. They were enraged that I would choose to study a religion outside of Christianity. They would constantly day in and day out punish me for it. I spent a lot of time that year trying staying away from them as much as possible. I still had to go home at the end of the day though, and it was never good.

At that point I knew I wasn’t just a Christian… I saw this every time I walk into a church or talk to my family. Every Christian that I know is not Christlike as all. Ranging from extremely judgmental to beyond close minded. This just isn’t me… I am a very solitary person, open minded, non-judgmental, and extremely loving most Christians I know I can’t even conceive of consider them loving. Most contemporary Christians are massively ignorant as to how the church got to where it is today and of how much current church practice is due simply to accumulated tradition, with little or no roots in Scripture I’m not very interested in Dogma or church politics at all though.

Towards the end of high school I began to consider myself a Christian with Wicca views, but that slowly changed into Trinitarian Christian or Christian Witch as I became and adult. Trinitarian is a path of American Wicca or Non-British Traditional Wicca that works exclusively with the Christian Pantheon. There are no church trappings or conflicts with the Bible, because they work directly with the Gods and Goddesses; church dogma does not have a place in their ritual structure. As for Christian Wicca, the term Christian is used as a modifier for the pantheon observed in this particular practice of Wicca, much like the concept of Celtic Wicca. They as Wiccan practitioners focused on a Goddess-inclusive Christian trinity. Christian Wicca was more descriptive, Trinitarian Wicca is far more accurate and far less controversial but it is hard to express the concepts of Trinitarian Wicca without using the term Christian in the definition.

In only the last few years I have began to consider myself more of a Christian Pagan or Christo-Pagan. Everything above this applies and beyond a basic Christian foundation, though, our beliefs vary just as much as our individual spiritual paths within our community.

“”Trinitarians are more like Grey Witches because initially Christianity was the Way, an off-shoot of Paganism that focused solely on the God in answer to Dianic Witchraft focusing solely on the Goddess, because Trinitarians combine the original teachings of the Way and the teachings of Christ, they sit between Dianic Witchraft (or Paganism in its “truest form”) and Christianity as humanity knows it today.

Thus, Trinitarians are more closely related to Grey Witches or Greywalkers in that they are a very reclusive, very secluded, very secretive Tradition and are often ostracized by the whole of Paganism and Christianity because they ride the coin that connects good and evil.””

Rindalyn_Kane

People find it strange that I’m into everything I am and still have the “gall “to call myself a Christian well I have something to say to that. There is a motto, “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good.” I agree, because there is a danger in spirituality that isolates. Next, Jesus said that believers may not be “of this world” but, they are certainly “in it.” Jesus, as spiritual as he was, did not separate himself from the secular world. Despite his Orthodox Jewishness (spirituality) he hung with non-Jews, with the dreaded Samaritans, with whores, with sell-out Jewish tax collectors, with radical zealot terrorists, with the diseased, impoverished and the very wealthy. He told stories to the masses that revolutionized the material and secular universe on hill tops (the mass media of the day). It is a known fact that Jesus’ worst enemies were the self righteous G-rated do-gooders of his time. He spent little time with them. So why should I do anything different then himself? The traditional model of how we “do church” is very wrong to me and it’s strangling Christ’s Body. I know I am outspoken but it’s who I am. I also don’t claim to be the best Christian in the world but I try to follow what God has planned for me.

“”I believe in Jesus”” -Bettie Page


If you are interested in learning more about my duel religious beliefs here is a few places that may help.

Books:

Christian Wicca: The Trinitarian Tradition
The Path of a Christian Witch
ChristoPaganism: An Inclusive Path
Pagan Christianity
Reimagining Church: Pursuing the Dream of Organic Christianity