Maelstrom

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My life recently has been in crisis mode for so long that I feel that my body stuck in a sympathetic mode, which is our bodies fight mode. So when we are in the battle mode of sorts, our bodies do not have the resources to be able still to maintain proper functioning of all of the vital processes like healing, growing, digestion, immune system, etc. There is only so much energy that our body can produce.

I’m going to start with where I feel like everything spun out of concrtrol. Last month, we received a court summon because my husband got behind on his child support. He recently had a paycheck that was sadly out of our hands, though, because he is a disabled veteran. Recently, the disability that he was drawing from the county got revoked. Their doctor’s decided that he could go back to work “part-time,” so they completely cut off the disability check we had been receiving twice a month. Leaving us with only his VA medical disability. So he made the command decision to go against his doctors and return to the workforce. Returning to work for him has been nice, but it exposes him regularly to his triggers, which of course trigger him. So our finances have been a big worry for us right now with lots of other smaller financial events such as our washer breaking.

We had begun to take our pack and merge it the house of someone special to me. During this time we came to the mutual decision to write down all of our triggers as well as tell our survival stories. Since the mass majority of the members are all survivors of domestic abuse, as well as mental abuse. While attempting to do this, I unintentionally triggered myself and learned of the existence of a wall within my mind. I learned that during my abusive relationship I repressed a lot of those memories. Now I have begun to have nightmares and memories have started to surface in my mind as well as a presence.

I’m not sure exactly what this presence is. It’s like I’m sharing part of my mind with someone else. I have memories that I don’t understand of places I have never seen, and I’m not even sure exists. I have thoughts and emotions that are not mine, and I can not place who they belong to, with the feelings, it’s almost like when I didn’t know how to put up barriers for my empathic abilities so that I would flood with everyone nears emotions. Also the most stunning were hearing a voice talking to me. Keeping in mind, I have spirit guides that I talk to regularly, and I talk to my God and Goddess frequently. This voice was not a known voice within my mind.

Next, being an event that occurred that resulted in Gruff and myself becoming triggered and ended in him suicidal and myself severely triggered to the point of complete detachment. Within 24 hours of this event, our submissive detached herself from my household, pack, and Gruff to stay with a friend. I learned more about their abusive marriage and past. I found out that once again I was potential with someone that could harm me. Within 24 hours I felt like I had completely lost both of them. I felt lost and trapped, and unsure of the truth anymore. The story though truthful in nature just has too many holes causing an uneasiness to settle over my heart and mind.

Since that moment everything has changed. I told her that I would be giving her plenty of breathing room, but still find the depth of despair my soul can reach when I barely speak to her. The irony of listening to her secondary partner complain about not being able to spend as much time with her when he is sitting in the same room as her barely a couple of feet away on the same couch. To the person who is special to me breaking down repeatedly as they bombarded with all of the crisis things as well. Watching him also having to suffer through it all. Wishing that I could just bare it all for the both of us, but knowing that I physically can not. No matter how much I try to pretend that, I am that strong.

Then to top it all of my Mother is in the hospital. She has 3rd stage colon cancer and is forming clots in her legs. They keep putting her on thinners to break down the clots, which helps, but then it in turns damages her lungs. So she has been put back on a ventilator and is unconscious. For most people, they would be completely devastated… right now I feel like a sociopath. I love my Mother don’t get me wrong, but I spent my entire life receiving mentally and physically abused at her hands. My Father had a hand as well, but it was usually more my Mother’s doing. So even though I do care about her, and I don’t want her to die… I don’t particularly want to sit in the hospital and watch her. I want to stay positive and say she will get better, but I have enough medical training to know that the chance of her survival let alone her survival with no brain or lung damage is slim at best.
So this is the maelstrom that is my life right now. Even on relatively good days, I don’t know which way is up or down any longer. I feel like I have a worsening case of vertigo that is never ending. I’m praying silently and weeping aloud for a time of quiet. So a time of balance and peace once more.

 

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Major changes 

The mass majority of the puppies will be gone soon, and with them soon to be heading to their furever home I have began to make some major decisions lately. My newest partner started to question my future, and I was kind of embarrassed to say that I didnt have much of a plan. So I have been considering what I want to do with my future.

I used to have lots of plans for my future, but after marrying Nick a lot of them changed. He has PTSD and I am his caregiver so I have in essence put a lot of things on hold for him. When I was working at a chiropractors office it was incredibly difficult, because he would constantly want me home. It was the same when I took a job at the jewelry repair store for less hours. Now he has gone back to work, and things seem to be looking more stable.

As of right now I have an expired massage license. I let it lapse since we don’t have the money to pay for it right now. I need 200.00 to get it renewed as well as 150 for my malpractice insurance. I have also been super lack on getting the required credits for my CE’s.

So I have decided that I’m going to go back to school in August for a Bachelor’s degree in Psycology. Im half way towards completing my Associate’s degree. I have decided the first stipend that I receive will go toward reneeding my license as well as doing a few CE’s.

Going back to scool will also prolong when I have to start paying back my student loans, which as you can already conclude I can’t afford to pay right now.

Frustration

Recently, someone I thought was my best friend and girlfriend moved out of our home in a very hasty manner. In the process she left the upstairs in shambles, and her cat peed on massive amounts of laundry. So without even getting onto the topic of how this has emotionally effected me for the last 3 days now I have been busting my ass trying so hard to get the upstairs clean for my submissive and his girlfriend as well as the rest of the house. This has turned into what I feel like is an uphill battle that I am losing. I want everyone in the house to help me, and even though I have started to gain some help the amount is still so little. I was really counting on Gruff to help me the most today, but he hasn’t even woken up yet. His submissive has tried at least twice to wake him to no avail, and though I’m sure I could wake him I don’t want to. I’m not here to micromanage and be a parent. We are all adults here, but yet with him and the rest I just feel like I’m constantly making sure everyone is doing what they are suppose to.

I guess I’m just getting burnt out… I had my surgery at the end of April, and at first I actually had a lot of help. Now though I’m starting to really get to the point where I can take care of the house and Nick again, but I spend so much time taking care of the them that I was hoping just once that I wouldn’t have to take care of yet another person. I guess that I was wrong again…

My Weekend

This weekend is filled up with so many things. First being that me and my husband are celebrating our two year anniversary of being together, second it’s me and Gruff’s second monthiversary, and last it’s also Father’s day today. So all of the things…

So we decided to drive up to North Carolina for a Rascal Flats concert and stay the night in a really nice hotel… not that I can sleep… my brain is simply too wired right now. I actually am tired and did pass out for about an hour… now it’s basically just not happening. So while I’m waiting for the pool to open. I figured I would bust out a post.

On the car ride up I ended up having to speak to Gruff. Recently he has been talking down to me and treating me as if I were his submissive. This is especially occuring when his submissive is present. If you know me you will know this is not acceptable at all. I know that this weekend is hard for him though due to his own personal reasons… so I’m trying to be lenient with him.

With that being said it can not continue. I feel that we are going to have to sit down and really talk about his submission to me, and how he should treat me. Especially when we are in the company of his submissive as well as in public. I feel the first step step beyond talking is to have him reference me as Sir more….

Next, my husband suffers from PTSD and has a decent amount of various triggers as I have previously stated in my blog. Well on the car road up here he was triggered by a box in the road, and again at the concert when a child started to crowd him. During both events he tried to hide the trigger from me, which upset and fluttered me.

I am his care giver and have been for the last 2 years and some change now. So I know basically instantly when he is triggered. So I don’t understand him trying to hide it and make it worse.

We ended up having to leave early from the concert, which I was honestly completely okay with. It ended up being an outdoor venue, and u simply wasn’t prepared for it.

4 A.M and still on the clock

Currently sitting on the floor in the bathroom because my partner is having kidney stone issues again, and I have him soaking in the tub. I’m so exhausted, but I’m sitting here so that he doesn’t fall a sleep in the tub. The reason why I’m worried is, because he has narcolepsy so he tend to fall a sleep very easily.

While, I am sitting here I can’t help but wonder if he understands what I put aside for him on a daily basis…like sleep lol

Simply can not win for losing

I usually always leave a light on when I am going to bed, because my partner tends to wait til the last possible moment to do his nightly routine before bed. I don’t really have an issue with this except my partner constantly bitches at me for leaving on whatever light I don’t turn off. I’ve explain to him I leave it on for him.

Well tonight before bed I proceeded to turn off all of the lights keeping in mind there are still Christmas lights lite up and strung throughout the house right now. Well he was upstairs adjusting the temperature, and proceed to bitch at me for turning off all of the lights…

I mention that he always grumps at me for leaving them on… and he proceeds to scold me and tell me the difference. At this point I simply tune him out.

Apparently I can’t win for losing so I guess I will just continue to leave the light on and get grumped at….

Frustrations

I find it extremely frustrating when I am trying to take time for me, and he doesn’t take care of himself. Recently, he got his daith pierced in hopes that it would help relieve his migrains. Doing so I believe has actually had a dramatic improvement on his health. He actually has had far less migrains then he was orginally experiencing…but he doesn’t take care of it at all. I’m constantly reminding him to clean it and soak it.

I literally just had to wake him up take his ecig from his mouth make him let me clean his ear, put on his cpap mask, and put him back into the bed…

This isnt the only time by far… most of the stories are similar like when he got his most recent tattoo I had to constantly remind him to clean it and put lotion on it.

Reminding him to take his medicine is a daily occurrence as well. 

Sometimes he can’t remember if he has taken his medicine or not. I got him a box, but he just stopped using it… He likes certain routines and doesn’t like them messed with.

I have to constantly question if this is part of the PTSD or is he just being lazy? The sad part is I feel so lost and alone, because I can’t answer those questions.

We have been members of the Wounded Warriors Project now for a year, and I have gone to two different caregiver functions which are meant to get you away from your veteran and for you to socialize. The problem though is that most of the caregivers attend are woman, and typically aren’t interested in getting to know me due to my appearance.

I’d really love to go on a caregiver retreat, but it would have to be at the same time he goes on a veteran retreat. I couldn’t just leave him home for a week without me.