It’s been at least since the 21st of December since I was last in contact with my PCM or her nurse. I had scheduled the appointment probably a month before that.  I was told that I didn’t need to come in for the appointment that I had scheduled for that day to sort out starting HRT. They cited that due to the policy I needed my psychologist to write me a letter and send it to them. This is not part of the new policy that began in October, but alright if that’s all I can handle that.

Later, that same day I had an appointment with my psychologist, so he sent them the letter Thursday and talked to apparently the nurse fill in. Alright, cool I figured I would hear something soon. Well, Monday I started calling and could not get through til Wednesday once again, and was told that my PCM wouldn’t be back til Friday. Okay, its the holidays I can wait a little longer.

Well, there goes Friday… Then Monday again… Oops Wednesday….  WTF Friday…Now we are on the following Monday which is today. I called the appointment line all day so that I could get through to find out what was going on. I couldn’t get through again a shocking surprise. Well, I got a friend of mine that goes to a different PCM in the same clinic to give me his nurses direct contact number since I knew he had it.

His nurse reached mine and had her call me. I found out the nurse I thought was my PCM’s nurse was just filling in. There was no record at all of me even talking to anyone about HRT on my file whatsoever. So she had to track down the nurse I was talking with to find out what was going on. So when she called me back, she basically told me that the policy stated that I needed to be seen by my psychologist for a minimum of 3 months.

Beyond the fact of me knowing that is dead wrong. I have been to 10 appointments with my psychologist, so Wednesday makes 11 and next week makes 12 oh look 3 months… but she told me to call back in February and try again. I was so fucking vivid and still am. My best friend sees a PCM at the same clinic with the same policy so unless his PCM just decided to say fuck the system and do whatever they wanted which I doubt it. I’m going to assume that my PCM is transphobic and doesn’t want me to transition.

She helped me a lot when I needed to get a breast reduction. She knew that I was trans the entire time. She knew that I wanted to eventually get top surgery and to start HRT. I just don’t understand if she thought that maybe once I got my surgery that I would just be content? Maybe it was just a phase? Fuck if I know, but I am so done. I’m not going to wait until February.

I am currently filling out paperwork to just pay out of pocket for the Dr. of my choosing. It will cost me 100.00 to start and everything else will be covered by Tricare. I don’t really care to do that since Tricare should cover everything, but I’m tired of jumping through hoops only to get covered in red tape and told just wait a little longer.

I know that I should fight them because someone else might be going through the same thing but honestly, I don’t know that it would even help. I’m going to have my husband file some form of a complaint. I guess I will probably also be changing over my PCM because I will not have a doctor that is not supportive of me. Especially one that has done everything possible to halt my journey.

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It’s 5:49 am and once again I haven’t been to sleep yet, and highly doubt that it will be claiming me anytime soon. I just realized that I haven’t taken my pills all week, so that is just wonderful. *sarcasm* I never try to forget to take my pills, but when things are rough time just kind of blurs together. I kind of feel like I have just been on auto-pilot for so long now. Not taking my pills means that I’m not as focused. I can’t concentrate on things properly. Sometimes I get edgy if I go too long. I guess I have definitely not been focused, concentrating, and have probably been on edge.

There is also the chance of me getting sick… since I have hypothyroidism my medicine keeps my body in check so to speak. When your thyroid is out of whack everything in your body is off kilter. So this probably explains at least part of the reason that I’m so tired as well as why I can not sleep.

My psychologist tells me that I spend so much time taking care of other people, protecting others, and I guess being their shield that I don’t take care of myself enough. I can’t say that he’s lying… I am very loyal to my friend, and I will always put myself on the back burner for them. As long as I am actually at the front of the line… when I’m on auto pilot someone else is the driver. I’m just curled up in the passenger seat watching everything go by.

It is not something that I usually conscientiously do. My mind just decides that I can no longer handle the load and just turns me off so to speak. Days like this, though… where the pain is just bubbling on the surface of my skin, I can’t just be on stand by. This is the point where the autopilot just fails to execute the flight course, and I come to in a tailspin.

I have made the decision though that if my PCM is going to continue to fight me being referred to endocrinology so that I can get a testosterone script in my name that I’m going to pay  to go to a civilian Dr. out of pocket. I’d love to fight the system, but simply put I’m running out of time. Obamacare was just voted to be basically terminated I’m sure that the military deciding to be trans-inclusive will be overturned soon as well.

Heaven sent

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Time is trickling by at a much slower easy going pace, though the next two days will probably be wrought with misery for me. January 5th and 6th 2008 I lost twin angels. I was told then that time would make it better, but they lied. Time if it does anything it sharpens the pain. I remember every single detail from that time in my life, though the following 6 months to a year after I lost them is basically a blur to me. I spent a lot of that time sleep which seems to be what my body is forcing me to do now…

Well until puppies decide otherwise. It’s 5:27 am and the puppies are wide awake. I have tried everything to get them to go back to bed including trying to let them sleep with us. That failed miserably, though… all they wanted to do was play. They nailed Nick in the balls repeatedly, and just wanted to reenact lion king all over my bed. I guess I should be thankful for the detraction.

Page one

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I survived 2016. It’s now day one of the of 2017 a 365-page story that is being written as we speak. 

It is time for reflection, though this year has been so terrible. I lost my Grand Mother & Mother within the span of six months. It was also during this time that I thought that I had found something special. It started as a small flame, but soon that flame burned too bright and lashed out at me uncontrollably. I became badly burned and though the healing salve was administered quickly. It healed the physical damage, but the scars it left are still an angry sort of color. It’s the kind of scar that others can clearly see from afar, and know that it runs deeply. Thus now extending my dark time of the year from October-February whereas before it started slowly after Samhain and continued through til around my birthday.  So basically it has been extended by a month and a half to be safe.

Thus now extending my dark time of the year from October-February. Whereas before it started slowly after Samhain and continued through til around my birthday.  I feel that next year this pain that I have managed to push to the side will not allow me to ignore it again. It will be then that I am forced to inner reflect and deal with it.

There are points where it became so dark that I wasn’t sure that I would be writing this today. I thought that perhaps I would become yet another young transgender life that had been snuffed out too soon. Just another statistic lost among the many. It seems though that I was able to pull through.

This year tested my strength and resolve to the point that I truly thought that it would break. It surpassed anything that I could even imagine enduring. It’s honestly hard for me to look back and see any good at all. In truth though there was a lot of good that came about even if it requires taking a step back from it all to see it. I was able to find an amazing psychologist that has helped me immensely. I made several new friends that have become my family. I also strengthen the bonds of several of my existing relationships.

The biggest thing that came out of this year though was me. I came out as myself. I now know that I am a transmasculine individual, and have began the process of transitioning into my authentic self. Eventually, my goal is to appear more androgen overall though basically, I will present as a mostly feminine male. Just picture a sassy gay guy just minus actually being gay *laughs* considering I’m pansexual.

No one would choose to be hated for being who they are

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I adore Chris Crocker so much even though he is gay not trans I feel that his words really have an incredible impact on me. I also grew up in a very religious family who doesn’t know that I’m transmasculine. They don’t know that I am even pansexual though I’m sure they gossip. There are days where I really wonder if I should just lie and tell everyone that I was wrong, going through a phase, or whatever. Then, I sit down and watch his videos, and they make me; stronger, braver, and give me the courage to continue on.

I want to share my transition

Within the next couple months, I will begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I have decided that I want to share my journey with the community. I have been doing a lot of research, and that in and of itself was an adventure. I found that the information was not as readily obtainable as you would think it should be in the digital world that we live within.

Within the transgender community, there is also a great divide that should not be there. Though, exist it does, and it’s between those that pass and those that don’t pass enough. Then within those two divides, there are those that prefer to be as natural as possible and those that prefer surgeries, therefore, creating another gap within the community. Usually, the ones that prefer operations feel that is the “only acceptable.” way to be considered “truly transgender.” I have found that those that prefer to be as natural as possible tend to flex what transgender means.

Of course as someone that is newly trans and just beginning my transition, this is all extremely toxic and not helpful at all. I don’t need to be told that because I’m pre-t that I’m not trans or even trans enough. All that does it push people that aren’t as strong as me away, and this is not a time that we should be isolating each other.

This is why I have made the decision to be completely open and honest about my transition.