Rifts and Wounds

Today is Mom’s birthday. We lost her in October and even though I never had a good relationship with her. This continues to hit me harder than I ever expected it to. You see I grew up in a pretty abusive household. Now if you asked my parents they would tell you that I was just seeking attention or something. The truth though is that it was very abusive. Though, at the end of the day, they will never believe that. That is what it is to live in a strictly fanatical Christian patriarchal household.

When I was being raped and abused by my first husband for a while I didn’t even see anything wrong with it. It wasn’t until I started talking to pastors and friends that I began to understand the situation that I was in. He was playing a game with me that I didn’t even know was going on let alone that I was losing. When I reached out to my parents they told me that it was my job as his wife to satisfy him in bed. That if I didn’t want him to hit me that I should be submissive and do as I was told. As I was being beaten for being in a vicinity of another male because I was always “cheating” on him. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t.  I took that for 3-4 years before I finally told him that I was done.

It was Thanksgiving and I was sicker than I had been in a long time. I was fully cooking dinner while vomiting. All he did was yell at me that I wasn’t doing it right, fast enough, pretty enough, and etc. That night I was done. I stopped sleeping in the bed with him and started sleeping on the couch. It was shortly after this I started sleeping with our roommate. I was already being punished for it daily so I figured I might as well do the “crime” since I was doing the time anyhow.

When my parents found out I was nothing but a lying whore. They moved HIM in with them and put him on their phone plan. I moved into a trash trailer that was completely infected with fleas and bed bugs. I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks after having double pulmonary embolism probably from constantly being surrounded by smoke. The owner’s chain smoked weed and cigarettes all day every day.  When you went to walk out a giant cloud of smoke would billow out the door.

The saddest thing was that I went from a level 10 abusive relationship to a level 9, but at the time it just seemed better than what I had already been through.

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