Why is Everything so Heavy

I know that we all struggle with money. Some of us a lot more than others. I have been on both sides struggling in my early 20’s and becoming more stable as I’m getting closer to 30 now. Murphy’s Law though never seems to fail for me. Whenever I reach a point in my life that I have this whole adulting thing down, I get broadsided from the left field.

Yesterday, I got broadsided. We have been relatively tight on money lately even though my business is picking up. It hasn’t reached the point of becoming a stable reliable source of income. So I knew I was behind a month on my car, which I planned to catch up after the vendor fair that I will be working at the top of June. I was not given that ability though because apparently somehow I ended up two months behind on my car. So without any form of warning, I woke up yesterday. To find that my car had been literally ripped from my driveway. I found tread marks as scraping along my driveway. Where they obviously didn’t secure the car properly as well as my yard being torn up. I have no idea how no one woke up let alone how my dogs didn’t go crazy.

So like a good adult, I called them to find out what I need. Not only do I need to pay two months worth of payment. They tacked on around a 600.00 repossession fee as well as storage fee totaling 1500.00. They also informed me that this price will go up 30.00 per day and that I only have until June 16th to pay everything or they will be auctioning off my vehicle. If you couldn’t tell I can not afford to lose my vehicle, or I will not be able to do as many vendor fairs this year as I would like. So by losing my car, my business loses at too.

I don’t like to ask family and friends for help let alone absolute strangers. Though, my pride can take the hit right now. I absolutely can not come up with 1500+ dollars by June 16th. So I am asking for all the help that I can get. Don’t feel like you need to donate a large amount of money either small amounts will really add up, and if you really can’t help out financially please take a moment to share this post as much as possible.


 

The above is what I posted on my business website https://cozykaleidoscope.com/

I didn’t say anything about my past abuse. I didn’t say this is the first car that I have ever had that wasn’t a pos (piece of shit) beater that didn’t fall apart. I didn’t mention how my abusive ex-husband would literally disable the car(s) so that I couldn’t leave. He would disable the battery one day, next would be the fuses, then, he started pulling wires, and when I started learning how to fix it he would take off the tires sit in on cinder brick and hide the tires. I didn’t say anything about all the times I was beaten or viciously raped because I fixed the car and went to buy groceries, or God forbid something for myself.

I wasn’t allowed to work the entire first two years of our marriage because he was scared that I would leave because at that point I had enough friends that would have helped me. Though, I got pregnant within a couple months of being married when things weren’t that bad. When I got married I was only 18 years only and had been raised in an extremely fanatically Christian patriarchy household. So some of the things took me time to understand that they were in fact not normal, but were completely toxic and abusive. So I went into this marriage believing divorce was bad, and that divorce after children was even worse.

So getting away was complicated, to say the least, but getting a car to call my own felt like the first real step towards getting past my past. I know that I will always have CPTSD from that time in my life. I also have a generalized anxiety disorder as well as depression. I know these things will never be cured, but I try my best not to let them control my life. I take medicine, meditate, and see a psycologist on a regular basis so that I can keep the demons at bay. Though, losing my car has made everything look like static right now. It’s like the past and the present are blending in my mind. My car was my autonomy, independence, and an outward symbol to myself to show I’m a stable adult.

It feels like I’m watching an old VHS tape that has been recorded over, but you can still kinda see what the original tape had on it. It’s not as clear and kind of fuzzy. Though, it’s a constant reminded that it is there. For me its a deep seated pain like someone taking a scalpel and is making small cuts inside and outside of my body. Even though you can’t physically see the blood flowing from them I can feel it.

To make matter worse I don’t feel like my husband cares. He says he does like he does with everything, but his actions and intentions do not reflect the same. I feel like no one cares. I know that I am blessed that we have a house and another car… but it isn’t the same. I didn’t have a car in the driveway or a roof over my head, but before this car, I had nothing of substantial value to call my own. This house though yes through marriage it is mine, but legally it’s in my husband’s name. A fact that we can not currently change.

I feel like my independence has been ripped away from me, and that I’m falling. There is no form of a safety net that I will fall into to. No, I will continue to spiral and fall til there is nothing left. Eventually, I will be at the rock bottom a place that I had to claw my way out of. It’s full of darkness and it’s covered in this dark ooze that just sucks the life from you. It threatens every day you are down there to suffocate you for the final time as you are begging and fighting for your next breathe.

This is the words that I use to describe it to help others understand what it is like, but truly unless you have been there. It is not possible to understand the full scope of the situation. So I understand when friends that don’t understand ask me why I’m so upset. They don’t’ understand so they just think that I’m over exaggerating, and what they don’t understand is that it is not possible for me to over exaggerate something that they can’t even begin to comprehend the surface of.

It just pushes me to hate myself more… than I already do…


 

I have this song literally playing on repeat right now because it is one of the closest things to describe how I’m feeling. It doesn’t fully encompass my true feelings, but it helps.

 

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning ’round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

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