I suck at words and life right now. I feel like giving up, and I can’t tell you why. All I know is that I have felt this way for weeks. I know that I’m still got a long way to recover, but I just wish I could have a break from the doom cloud for a bit. If I can’t I’ll take a nice loud long thunderstorm. I love winter but I miss summer because of the storms. When they come thru they bring new energy and renewed life, and I would be mighty graceful for some right now.

I feel like I’ve been ensnared in quick sand but it’s not quick… it’s more like a really strong magnet but I can fight it a little. Things just don’t have emotion or color. I’m just walking around in a grayed out world. Oh but there’s blue that soft faint glow emitting from everything that is getting bigger and darker rapidly.

It’s been four years since that plane ride home that seemed to last for an eternity. I was so broken. I had spent the last three years living 24/7 as a full time slave to one of the only people I have ever called Master. I had no purpose anymore and I considered that point in my life a soulless period of time.  I had been used completely up I had no energy left. I was his possession to do with as he saw fit. If that including crawling across gravel to be forced to bring myself to orgasm on his shoes then that is what happened.

I don’t know where the consent ended and the rape began. The memories of pleasure and pain are eternally blurred. There were days that I wept in joy after being forced to orgasm in so many humiliating ways, but so many more sobbing and begging him to stop and wandering if this time would I finally go to sleep forever.

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