The point where you realize that no matter what you do you are just going to continue to spiral. I am completely burnt out beyond the point of a quick recovery, and I’m beginning to doubt that I will ever even be allowed to recover at all. My anxiety started to eat at my what is left of my core. The night terrors have consumed my dreams to the point I don’t even want to close my eyes at night, but when I try to wake up, I can’t keep them open because I’m so exhausted. I don’t get restful sleep, because my dreams are filled with running, fighting, sobbing, blood, death, and more. I wish that they were simply figments of my imagination, but no sadly my dreams are real. A reality that of the past still haunts me tainting my present.
I’m so exhausted and tired that I have begun to have suicidal ideations. What if I don’t press my break? Maybe I shouldn’t turn. If I take these, I could sleep forever. It will only hurt for a moment. Just one little step forward. This isn’t a phase or a call for help it’s merely just a glimpse into my life because this isn’t something new to me. It may be that this could potentially be one of the more powerful pulls to the darkness that I have experienced though it isn’t the first or the last.
Doubting everything around me is completely normal you see. Listening to the voices tell me that no one cares. That I’m simply a means to an end and that I’m just a tool to be used and discarded. Some would probably tell me just not to listen because it’s not true. That would be where you are misguided though because it has never been wrong. It was right while my ex-husband played games with my head making me believe that I was a freak, and it was right while my ex-Master used me as a tool. Time and time again it has never proven to be wrong. That is why it’s not just something that I can shut off or ignore. What if this time it is not wrong yet again?