It’s 5:49 am and once again I haven’t been to sleep yet, and highly doubt that it will be claiming me anytime soon. I just realized that I haven’t taken my pills all week, so that is just wonderful. *sarcasm* I never try to forget to take my pills, but when things are rough time just kind of blurs together. I kind of feel like I have just been on auto-pilot for so long now. Not taking my pills means that I’m not as focused. I can’t concentrate on things properly. Sometimes I get edgy if I go too long. I guess I have definitely not been focused, concentrating, and have probably been on edge.

There is also the chance of me getting sick… since I have hypothyroidism my medicine keeps my body in check so to speak. When your thyroid is out of whack everything in your body is off kilter. So this probably explains at least part of the reason that I’m so tired as well as why I can not sleep.

My psychologist tells me that I spend so much time taking care of other people, protecting others, and I guess being their shield that I don’t take care of myself enough. I can’t say that he’s lying… I am very loyal to my friend, and I will always put myself on the back burner for them. As long as I am actually at the front of the line… when I’m on auto pilot someone else is the driver. I’m just curled up in the passenger seat watching everything go by.

It is not something that I usually conscientiously do. My mind just decides that I can no longer handle the load and just turns me off so to speak. Days like this, though… where the pain is just bubbling on the surface of my skin, I can’t just be on stand by. This is the point where the autopilot just fails to execute the flight course, and I come to in a tailspin.

I have made the decision though that if my PCM is going to continue to fight me being referred to endocrinology so that I can get a testosterone script in my name that I’m going to pay  to go to a civilian Dr. out of pocket. I’d love to fight the system, but simply put I’m running out of time. Obamacare was just voted to be basically terminated I’m sure that the military deciding to be trans-inclusive will be overturned soon as well.


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