Tabula rasa 

Today marks a month since I was preparing for the first hurricane that I would weather since becoming adult. It also marks the day that my Father called me sobbing on the phone to let me know that my Mother had finally passed away. That she had given up her battle on this soil, and transcended this plane to go meet my daughter. It was this moment that I knew that everything would change. 

It’s only been a month, but in that brief period of time so much has changed. I have seen more in that brief period of time then in the months pior. It is said that in our greatest moments of need we will know who our true friends & family are. In truth though I already knew who would be standing with me. 

When I told him the first words out of his mouth weren’t concern for me whatsoever it was, “I’m phobic of funerals.” “Don’t ask me to go.” I never once even asked him, but his words cut me all the same. In that moment I sat in silent rage. I was filled with more pain then I could comprehend. I could feel the pain manifesting as physical flames within me lashing out at my very soul, and burning up whatever emotions I held for him. 

I knew then that we were done. I knew that whatever I thought we had was just one of his lies, and within the next two weeks I finally handed him the letter. I told him that I stilll wanted to be friends, that I didn’t want things to change, and I truly did believe it at the time. Though, he sealed it with a kiss of poison when he so faithfully lied to me again for the last and final time. He told me, “That me releasing him and breaking up with him. Was the worst moment in his life, and that it hurt him even more then when his own spouse walked away from him calling him a monster.” 

Since then he has become nothing more then a room mate to me. I expect him to lie, and I don’t expect anything from him. I am simply abiding my time until he moves out of my house so I can burn the final threads that connect us. Until then I will live in an awoken flash. 

Samhain is the final day of the year in the Pagan tradition and this year it fell on the 2nd day of the dark moon. The dark moon also known as the new moon is a time of new beginnings. So in the Pagan tradition Samhain fell on a day of new beginnings as well as was the closing of the year. I feel that this is very fitting considering everything that has come to pass within the month. 

At this point I am just ready for a tabulsa rasa which is a new beginning or blank slate. I am ready to get my life back on track, and have already started this by going to see a new psychologist. I am also in the process of trying to get back on track with my PCM so hopefully I can start the process of at minium starting T. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s