Through the looking glass

I am not editing this right now. I am just blurting it out. This is not a fictional story. It’s one piece of my story. One glimpse in on the abuse I suffered in this case from a man who was my Master. This is not for the faint of heart.

Trigger Warning: Mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Rape, and mind games. 

As the world blurs around me. I hear his voice. It’s hot on my ear. My body goes numb, but it feels like I’m floating. When I open my eyes I realize I’m swimming with him. His body tangled into mine as we float. His words are soft and sweet at first. His touch gentle and sexual, but then his words grow dark.

He’s mad again. I said something wrong again. My body tenses as I try to pull away. This makes him more angry. He grabs my hair… he knows this is a trigger. I begin to flail and panic. He rips me back my body sinking under the water as I forget to swim. He wraps his hands in my hair keeping me under. I’m trying to fight the flash and him. I’m not a good swimming or fighter though. The water isn’t happy it begins to feel dark, but calming… like its trying to help. He screams out and releases me.

I manage to kick away and run, but he catches me on the Shore. We are completely alone. He grabs my hair again and knocks me down and is on top of me. His smile is wild and his eyes look mean. I feel him pressing against me and I cry. I know what he wants and I have no energy to fight him. He whispers, “I love you.” in my ear and I turn away the best I can. He growls it this time. I know if I don’t say it back whatever he plans won’t be pleasant. I didn’t care though.

I’d rather him kill me. I looked at him and whispered, “No you dont. This isnt love.” His eyes turn black as his fist raises up. It slams down a second later into the ground near my face. He’s careful not to mark me. He’s too smart for that. He begins screaming things like, “How can you say that?” “I do everything for you.” “How could you hurt me like this?” “How un grateful you are slave.” “No one else is going to take you” “Pathetic, worthless, good for nothing whore.” I’ve heard it all before. I close my tired eyes knowing what’s going to happen. He begins ripping off what little clothes I have….

I can’t breathe as he begins to caress my body. This is how it always starts. Soft and gentle… My body begins to react. I can’t stop it. He knows exactly how to play with me. I begin freely sobbing. There is no point to call colors, safeworss, or even say no. He’s ignored it before plus it makes him more angry. He begins telling me, “That he will prove he loves me.” “Look how your body is reacting whore” He slams his open palm down on my vagina. The pain screams through me, and instantly detaches. This is the way my body and mind try to protect me.

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