Tonight, my anxiety is terribly high. I am in the process of attempting to sit down and write out my triggers which funny as it sounds is a trigger in an of itself for me. My former Master at the end of our relationship when it turned abusive used my triggers against me as a way to have power over me. A lot of the end of our relationship is a blur to me, and my memory is very fragmented because of this. My memory is fragmented because of the constant state of trigger that I was in my mind is not completely sure what was real and what was not. My former Master was my second abusive relationship immediately following a three-year abusive marriage. It was during both of these relationships that I was gaslighted, but the worst was during the latter relationship. So since then I try desperately not to talk about my past or my triggers unless I am triggered.
I know that this is not a healthy way to cope with my triggers, though. I also know that the family that I have created needs to know my triggers just as much as I need to know theirs. I still can not halt the anxiety or the rising panic. I can not help the fight or flee instinct that is currently kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong I have come to terms with speaking of my survival story of my abusive husband, though I rarely if ever mention the story of my abusive relationship with my previous Master. I don’t do this not because I am ashamed. I don’t do this to lie about it. I do this because I’m terrified of it happening again.
This Christmas marks seven years as being a survivor of my abusive marriage, but only three years as of February to mark being a survivor of my abusive M/s relationship and engagement to my former Master.