Triggering the Triggers

Tonight, my anxiety is terribly high. I am in the process of attempting to sit down and write out my triggers which funny as it sounds is a trigger in an of itself for me. My former Master at the end of our relationship when it turned abusive used my triggers against me as a way to have power over me. A lot of the end of our relationship is a blur to me, and my memory is very fragmented because of this. My memory is fragmented because of the constant state of trigger that I was in my mind is not completely sure what was real and what was not. My former Master was my second abusive relationship immediately following a three-year abusive marriage. It was during both of these relationships that I was gaslighted, but the worst was during the latter relationship. So since then I try desperately not to talk about my past or my triggers unless I am triggered.

I know that this is not a healthy way to cope with my triggers, though. I also know that the family that I have created needs to know my triggers just as much as I need to know theirs. I still can not halt the anxiety or the rising panic. I can not help the fight or flee instinct that is currently kicked into high gear. Don’t get me wrong I have come to terms with speaking of my survival story of my abusive husband, though I rarely if ever mention the story of my abusive relationship with my previous Master.  I don’t do this not because I am ashamed. I don’t do this to lie about it. I do this because I’m terrified of it happening again.

This Christmas marks seven years as being a survivor of my abusive marriage, but only three years as of February to mark being a survivor of my abusive M/s relationship and engagement to my former Master.

 10 Warning Signs you are being gaslighted.


 

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6 thoughts on “Triggering the Triggers

  1. While I cannot say that i have ever been in an abusive relationship, I can say that I admire you for enduring what you have and the fact that you’re writing about your experiences. It can’t be easy.

    In regards to listing triggers, I kind of know what you mean about the process keeping you on edge. I have tried to do that in the past, yet I never manage it. Sometimes there is no obvious trigger and trying to go over those less than pleasant memories and relive them again in my mind is painful. Maybe one day I’ll manage it – yet at the moment I just find pretending to be okay is a lot easier.

    Thank you for writing this!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know a lot of my triggers, but the thought of them written down scares me. They were used against me in the past so writing them down is like handing someone the blueprints to my self destruct senquence. It’s someone that requires a great deal of trust for me. Also your welcome.

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  2. Maybe it will help. Seeing them in writing might help figure out what they are and why they happen. If you don’t feel comfortable telling someone, then don’t. I might have missed it- but if you aren’t going to therapy, go. It’s a safe place to talk about it

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