Land Mine

Last, night during our scene a land mine was tripped in my head. It wasn’t done purposely, and it’s not a trigger that I tend to ever have to talk about. During the end of my relationship with my ex-Master & fiance of three years, he started to lock his phone and become very protective of it. Whenever I would question him about it I’d hear that I was being overly sensitive, clingy, paranoid, crazy, bitchy, and many other things. So  I really didn’t think much about it at the time, but less then a month later I found out that he was cheating on me with his brother’s wife. We were both poly, but I had stated that he was not allowed to be in any form of a relationship with her unless his brother was okay with it, which he very much was not. A friend called me to let me know that he was cheating on me with her. I had for some time suspected that it might be happening, and I managed to swipe his phone and peak into their message. He was not only cheating on me with her he had at least a dozen “online slaves” many of which sounded like they were completely in love with him. This discovery leads into the worse physical fight that we ever had. It was pouring down raining outside, and he went to come at me so I grabbed my school books and slammed him in the head with him. I tried to run, but I wasn’t fast enough he slapped me so hard that I blacked out. When I came too he had carried me inside and was crying next to me.

He told me that he was too dangerous to be around me and left. He went back to her. I barely saw him over the next month as I began to get deathly ill. When I was finally admitted to the hospital they found out that ear had hundreds of small lacerations inside of it that had become infected. That’s why I had gotten so sick… He literally almost killed me, and almost took my hearing on top of that. I lost a decent amount of hearing from that ear, but not enough that I need a hearing aide… though now running on 4 years later I should probably have my hearing retesting. I’m fairly certain that is slowly degrading. Of course, at the time all of this was happening I was still fighting for him. He never deserved me, and I know that now. Though, at the time I had been his slave 24/7 for 3 years. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was what I could do to better serve him….  and for the next year after I left Texas that was still the first thought in my mind followed by how I must have failed because I had been released.

So to go back on topic… Now that I have had a chance to sit down and actually write this out I guess I was a lot more triggered then I thought I was. I should have probably ended the scene though I wouldn’t have wanted to cause Gruff to crash into sub drop either. It was truly his first major scene, and I feel like I wasn’t in the right head space for it at all…  Now I am sitting here trying to figure out exactly how I want to tell him. I don’t know if I should tell him now and potentially risk him dropping or if I should just wait a couple days. I feel like he would want to know, but I also feel that I should put his well being above my own.

In conclusion to simply everything. I was triggered when Gruff’s phone went off during the scene, and I picked it up to turn it down. I found out that it was locked. He was not in a position to unlock it so I requested his password to turn it off. It had never had a lock before… I’m not even sure when or why he put a lock on it. Well instead of just telling me the code he became defensive and told me that he never tells anyone his code. Though, it wasn’t even a week or two ago that there was never a code on it to begin with. So for me it threw up not only red flags but triggered a field worth of land minds. He ended up begrundgenly telling me the code after all, but he wasn’t happy about it. When I mentioned it again today he also became very defensive.

 

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