My drop isn’t like a furious screeching monkey, perched on my back screaming negative thoughts and making me doubt everything I believe to be true. It is much worse than that. It’s the voices of every person that I have tried to love and care for that have hurt me. Like my ex-husband, ex-Master, and my parents… when the voices start it very soft, and sometimes I can squash them.. after a time if I can’t squash them they continue to grow louder and louder… (most of the time I can not). I can hear all the bad things they have every told me. “Like how worthless that I am” On the whole I’ll feel overly emotional, crave physical affection (but despise myself for being needy), require (but wouldn’t ever ask for) some sort of reassurance that I’m not a worthless idiot as the voices tell me, and that the one I love hasn’t yet realized they can do better and abandoned me.
I do not experience drop each and every time I play, and I do not experience drop the same as a Dominant vs as a submissive. As a Dominant it can be much more mental. I guess this is because mainstream wise submissive “women: are accepted. To be a Dominant, though… a Sadist… and enjoy the things that I do is not commonly acceptable. To crave hurting someone so much that they break and cry under you… to get off on it, and then hold them and cuddle them. To literally shatter them, and put all the pieces back together stronger. It’s different when you fail only yourself let alone someone whom you hold the keys to their life.
After a scene, I need to know that my submissive is safe. That I haven’t disgusted them, and even though I know that completely. There are times that the self-doubt will set in, and I will worry that it’s in there somewhere. My past relationships all started out wonderfully, but when something would cause strife… when the fights would begin “that is when” I would learn exactly what they truly thought of me.
I know as a Dominant that I should not feel that way. That I should remain strong, but I can not help that I am scared. The relationship that we have is so beautiful, but I am so scared that something is going to cause it to shatter. I have been internally meditating so that I can slowly remove these thoughts one by one. The negativity is not my own, it’s poison from lips that no longer matter to me, and I will not allow them to control me.
So if I begin to drop I will always let my submissive know, and if he is not around to care for me I will care for myself. I expect him to do the same if he begins to drop.