Last night we had a very intensive scene. He was either depressed or dropping from having to punish his submissive, which I am not completely sure of. He wanted me to push him too far, but I knew what he needed. I lightly flogged him to give him a therapeutic release followed by medium impact to his bottom while cuddling him.
We spent a lot of the scene talking through everything, which I think really helped. Though, I throughout the scene I couldn’t help worry that he may walk away. I know that he wouldn’t do that, but due to past submissive’s actions it’s a thought that I can’t help that seeps through.
He isn’t him though, and I know that I can not allow the negativity from past relationship to taint our relationship. It is something that is hard for me, but it is something that I will continue to work on within myself. I know that no one is perfect, and I tell him that I will never judge him based on his past. So I need to remember to keep the same in mind, and not allow my past to effect our relationship.
This morning when I woke it was very abrupt. I had a restless night filled with nightmares, though none of them having anything to due with him it was hard waking up. I instantly was in a terrible mood that lead to having what I can only hypothesize was a migraine since I never really have them. He brought up that he thought I was suffering from top drop, and though I am unsure I feel I can’t discredit it either. I’m still reeling inside though I have calmed my outward appearance fairly well.
He has asked me not to put up walls around myself, but for now I have. I don’t want how I am feeling to spill out onto him, or our household. I am feeling fairly dark right now. I’m very unnerved and uneasy. I cleansed myself which helped a lot, but it didn’t remove it all…